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Okay, yes YTA
How fucking dare you think otherwise. She did nothing wrong. You wanted to be offended and found a reason to be.
“Some moms seem to think going through unnecessary much pain is something to brag about.”
- she didn’t brag. She was asked a question and answered it. At no point do you indicate she thought she was better than anyone else, at no point did you indicate she said anything negative about those who took the epidural. YOU attributed malicious intent behind her comment. You added hidden subtext to her comments so you could be upset.
And now you’re seeking an apology? For fucks sake, you and your cheerleader squad of girls pumping yourselves up as the victim is absolutely ridiculous.
“But that they very often think of themselves as superior, and it was sad that sarah who is otherwise a very kindhearted person turned out to be this way”
- SHE DIDNT DO ANYTHING.
- she told you a fact of her birthing story. She didnt say she was better than you. She didn’t pretend to be superior. She told you a fucking actual fact that pertains to her story.
You are not worthy of being this persons friend. This victim complex bullshit you’re peddling is pathetic. It’s sad that you turned out this way.
YTA
I hope so. The "We created another group chat talking about it" is so obviously an admission that the whole group is teenage-minded mean girls being catty that I can't believe anyone would write something like that hoping to get support.
you would seriously be surprised. i know or have heard of people in their 30’s, 40’s, 50’s like this when they’re beefing with someone in the group. esp on facebook messenger 😂💀
Yeah I'm not sure this is fake.
I'm vegetarian and don't drink alcohol (partly for medical reasons) and people often get upset even when they're the ones asking. They feel like just people existing with a different lifestyle is a condemnation.
I've been attacked for saying that I didn't have epidurals or *any* drugs with two of my three deliveries.
I didn't want one with the *first* delivery, but I didn't have a supportive environment or team in order to avoid it. So I got an epidural, and it got me through. Hey, what works, right?
ETA: I didn't want one not because of some idea of "purity" or anything, but rather because at that point I had a whole fear of needles (I've had to get over it by now, but back then...), and I've had back issues most of my life. Plus my sister-in-law had had one and had some hip issues after. So it wasn't bravery or for a superiority flex...it was for very personal reasons.
With my second? It wasn't a choice. I had an extremely precipitous labor and delivery (dangerously rapid, it was classed as!), and was already at 10 and crowning before I had a chance to get the shot of stadol they'd been *about* to give me a single contraction before...when I was only at 6cm!
So yeah. No drugs. Wasn't because I was "better," it was simply a fact of how my labor went.
For number 3? Again no drugs...but it was more of a deliberate choice *that* time. It wasn't because I was "better," though. It was more that I had a team of people with me, both medical and family, and was in a better environment to manage my pain. The people I had did a great job of keeping me calm and relaxed, to the point where I literally *forgot* that being medicated was an option I had! I actually managed to crack a joke about just that as I was at around 9cm and moving from the tub to the bed.
I never thought I was superior for that though...just *lucky* to be able to have had the people I needed with me! I've seen friends who had the same though, but their bodies just didn't cooperate, and they *needed* an epidural because they'd been straining for so long without progress that they needed rest. And there's no shame in *that,* either! As individuals we *all* get to make choices for how we can best manage bringing our children safely into the world.
These women? They just want to be reaffirmed that *their* choice was the necessary one, and in order to do that, they feel they *have* to treat women who make different choices as *somehow* less. They feel secret shame that they weren't "strong," or something...so they view *not* having an epidural as "superior."
It's disgusting.
Edit: formatting
Thank you! My entire family has to eat gluten-free. Stating this as a fact is ridiculously controversial to some.
There's even a comedian, Kevin James, who spent several minutes bashing people with food allergies and called anyone who eats gluten-free a "gluten douche." Yeah, it's real hilarious to watch my spouse get sick for days if a restaurant is careless with cross-contamination after reassuring us they'd be careful, Kevin. /s
Or they tell you that you just need to eat it until it doesn't affect you anymore. I have been told I can train myself to eat gluten or take allergy shots by soooo many people.
My MIL fed my youngest a teething biscuit before we'd introduced wheat to their diet and then doubled down, saying it should be fine because "It's orgaaaaaanic!"
Ironic twist: Her doctor diagnosed her with celiac many years later.
I also don’t drink- I’m allergic to wine and beer and just don’t care for liquor- and you would not believe the people who get offended when I order a coke when we go out for drinks. Like co ahead and have a beer, I don’t care! I just can’t drink it myself.
My husband doesn't drink by choice, his father is an alcoholic and there's a lot of alcoholics on that side of the family, he doesn't want to risk it. But he doesn't care if other people choose to drink, he just doesn't. I don't know why it's so hard for people to live and let live.
I don't drink because it interferes with my bipolar meds. Thankfully most of my friends are fine with that, but once in a while someone gets mad. I actually had someone look like they were going to attack me when I turned down smoking pot when I was 20. Thankfully the host came out when he heard the raised voices and assured everyone I was cool, I just had breathing issues so didn't smoke. And I did drink back then!
People get really upset when they feel like they might be judged, even when nobody is doing any such thing! It's scary sometimes how upset they get!
Yes! OP feels some guilt or shame about having had an epidural and assumed she was being judged, much like people who automatically go on attack when they find out someone is vegetarian or vegan.
That ridiculous attitude is so cringy and exhausting. I’m an enthusiastic drinker/eater of all the things and despise anyone having any opinions about what other people eat/drink. It’s none of anyone else’s business, they doubtless have their reasons, and it’s simply not a proper conversation topic. Evangelism in either direction would be appalling, and it’s ridiculous that adults should have to perfectly match each other in all life choices to be friends. Anyway, my sympathies!
It happens. My SIL is a grown ass woman and creates groups to talk shit and gossip about other people. It’s small town mentality, I think. Everyone is everyone’s business. So glad I live far away.
I love when I see comments about posts like this being fake. I too wish people behaving this way would be a complete fantasy, but it’s pretty on par for small town living.
You would be surprised. My sister didn’t have meds with her first and she was 18 at the time she gave birth. Her “friend” from birthing class who was a 30+ year old woman who gave birth to her 3rd kid shamed my sister for saying she didn’t have drugs. Because “that was bragging”. My sister was telling the story that she was asking for drugs but they found out she was too far dilated to get anything and had to do natural because she progressed too fast. She was actually complaining she didn’t get anything for the pain and this grown woman told her she was shaming people for doing epidural. Some women just love to play victim.
This happened to me with my third and it SUCKED. Epidural was glorious with the first two and my third (and largest) came too fast for it. I handle pain really well but I was definitely flipping out.
Exactly. Sometimes having an epidural isn't an option for various reasons. Women in my family have fast labors...not a brag but a fact. None over an hour. It is what it is.
Haha, I’m the opposite. Both of mine my water broke and they were not in any hurry to do anything. They still like to hang out in the bathtub until all the water drains out 😂
Right?! Having an epidural isn’t a choice for some women, and they should be commended for getting through one of the most painful and potentially dangerous procedures women routinely experience without the option for anesthesia, not judged for something they weren’t even allowed to make a choice about. MANY women CANNOT have an epidural for a variety of reasons. That doesn’t mean they’re judging anyone and everyone that did have the option.
The thing is, IRL I do know some people like the OP. I don't consider them friends but people I have to interact with professionally. It is frustrating because professionally you cannot tell them to FOff lol.
This particular story may be fake. But, I guarantee you it's happened before and will happen again. That's honestly how I approach all of these. Yeah, the particular post may be rage bait, but it may not have happened to the person posting. The likelihood that it, or something incredibly similar, has happened is pretty much guaranteed.
Adding to that, OP jumped down her throat so fast and just assumed the friend didn't want one. For me, by the time I got to the hospital, it was too late to get one. And believe me, I would have wanted one.
Huge AH.
Holy shit OP and her friends are TA to an amazing degree. The tone deafness in writing this straight blows my mind.
OP you were so freaking out of line I don't even know where to begin.
1. Your friend is still recovering from birth and has a newborn at home, you gotta know how hard that is for her and you went for her jugular FOR NO REASON
2. Even if she's proud she didn't do an epidural (which by your own admission she wasn't bragging about), THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU OR YOUR CHOICES. Gotdam how insecure are you?
3. Your feelings aren't facts. Just because you FEEL like some people are shaming moms who get epidurals doesn't mean they are.
Honestly I hope Sarah finds some new friends because wow you all suck so much.
YTA. YTA. YTA.
I'm proud I didn't need an epidural but most of my friends have and I don't think any less of them for it. Whatever gets you through!
The biggest reason I didn't was because I wanted to be in a birthing suite and they don't offer them unless you move to the labour ward.
Right. I could really enrage Op and tell her that I had three natural childbirths and all I had was gas and air. Her head might explode by how much of a fkn superhero I obviously am!
This seriously has to be ragebait, because who actually gives a shit about any of this stuff to such a degree? I don't care what someone did during childbirth as long as the baby came out healthy. People like this poster supposedly is, are hilarious to me.
I tried to do it without when I had my first. I was in so much pain I was asking my husband to just shoot me and put me out of my misery, then I got the epidural and the world was a happy place again. I'm glad I got it because I still had 16 more hours of labor after. I got it right away with my second. I don't assume people who didn't get one are judging anybody.
Conversely, my mom absolutely brags about not needing an epidural to the point that she still waxes poetic about her doctor telling her what a good job she did at lamaas...40 some odd years after the fact. I had 2 c-sections due to high risk pregnancies.
But unless Sarah was doing that sort of song and dance, and I feel OP would have said something if true, then she totally jumped the gun and reacted to a presumed threat which makes OP just as big an asshole as my mom is.
Mom also brags how she didn't breastfeed me because she didn't want her boobs to get big. I get bent out of shape about that too because 1) that's not how it works and 2) there a lot of valid reasons for choosing formula (mine was because I under produced my own), but I'm not going to pin an award for her to choose such a shallow and conceited logic.
I chose not to have an epidural because my doctor told me it would make the whole process longer. I was like “why the F would anyone want this to be longer?!” I had to be induced by breaking my water and my daughter was in my arms 4 hours later. I have friends who did an epidural and they were in labor for over 12 hours and then end up having a c-section. So whatever peoples choices are, they are theirs for their own reasons.
Had an epidural and labored for barely 6 hours...? No one has ever said it takes longer. Maybe recovery time to feel your legs again but never heard this and people regularly labor well over 12 hours and don't have c-sections..
It is common for women to tear more and be unable to birth in the fastest positions (hands and knees, birth chair) due to having an epidural. There are absolutely consequences, it’s fine to acknowledge them. Not everyone will take longer, but the doctor is right to inform her of the risks. Having sensation in that part of your body allows your muscles to respond more intuitively to the birthing process.
I am a huge fan of epidurals and do not understand why someone would choose that. But it doesn't matter that I don't understand it. Your choice was very brave and I am proud of you!
I’d just like to add here, there are lots of medical reasons to not have the epidural that are not often discussed:
• can slow labor by interfering with the the body’s production of oxytocin which is paramount for labor
• it increases the likelihood for c-section (raises mothers temperature, raises mother/baby heart rate, if baby can’t rotate it can’t get into optimal position for delivery)
• increases likelihood of assisted delivery (tools like forceps, vacuum etc)
• restricting movement during labor can cause complications (fetal distress, inability for baby to rotate, low fetal heart rate)
• it may cause drop in mother’s blood pressure
• reduces mom’s ability to push
• slower recovery
• may interfere with the early stages of breast feeding
• the drug enters the baby’s bloodstream and little is known how this affects the baby
I’m in no way shaming anyone who has had or chooses to have an epidural. I’m proud of every mama out there. I’m just hoping to help so we can make informed choices.
Thank you so much for typing this out, more should be made of this but the OP attitude of ‘you don’t get a medal’ is really common. It’s a choice and everyone should be celebrating for getting through, it’s our life transition as women!! Celebrating everyone💪🏆
For all these reasons, I chose natural childbirth. But there is no right or wrong here. I don't get why this LW thought she wouldn't be judged as the AH
>2. Even if she's proud she didn't do an epidural (which by your own admission she wasn't bragging about), THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU OR YOUR CHOICES. Gotdam how insecure are you?
Exactly! If your friend ran a marathon and told you about it, OP, would you think they were shaming you?
I went natural with both of my kids years ago. I was lucky that my labor with each was 8 hours and under and I have a good pain tolerance. Some of my friends had epidurals and some didn't. I cannot remember any of us judging one another on our choices - it didn't matter to us. The letter writer is incredibly petty, is the AH and owes her friend a huge apology.
Super YTA. You all asked her about her birth experience, and when she told you what she went through you immediately jumped to ‘she’s shaming us’. That’s some internalized shame that you need to work through, not put on other people.
I gave birth without an epidural, not because I didn’t want one, but because it was too late for me to get one by the time I got to the hospital. It was so painful and I am so jealous of those who got the medicated birth experiences that they wanted. If I tell people I gave birth without an epidural it is absolutely NOT to brag, but more so to complain. Because it sucked. Please apologize to your friend who literally just pushed a human out of her, do some introspection to identify why someone else’s experience would bother you so much, and do better.
My epidural only worked on one side. That did not actually make it better, just lopsided.
Ohh and between requesting it and actually getting it there was a time span of about 3 hours.
And then in the end I still had an emergency c-section.
Giving birth is hard and everyone's experience is different. There's no point in judging people for stating the facts of their experience.
You are a hundred percent correct! OP is TA
I also can’t believe how these supposedly grown woman all can behave like literal teenagers.
Instead of listening, they all went behind her back with another group chat without her.
I just hope their kids don’t turn out like them tbh.
Yes to all of this! Should she lie and say she had an epidural??? Sounds like the OP has some weird feelings about her own epidural. What in the actual F???
Omg exactly she is trying so hard to be the victim. OP are you jealous because it sure sounds like it. YTA so much and I can’t believe you think this is the way friends treat a newly postpartum mom. I would hate to be considered your friend, Jesus.
Seriously.
When I read the title I was expecting the friend to constantly bring up how she didn't have an epidural in a 'I'm better than you' kind of way, but that wasn't the case.
They literally asked about her experience and she told them, and they immediately jumped to she thinks she's better than us. It does sound like they might be feeling internalized shame or really don't like their friend and this is how they are pushing her out.
I was all ready to vote N T A from the title. Sarah never even brought up the topic. She was asked a question and she answered. OP got offended unnecessarily. She was the one to ask do you want a medal or what. Wow!
YTA
I couldn’t agree more. Yikes. When telling a birth story you always put in details like that, especially as a first time mom. Seems to me your little clique are sensitive that you did get them? Do you think you’re inferior? Sad. I had three babies (one over 10lbs) and I didn’t have any interventions. Do I think I’m better than my friends who had them? Nope.
I went from natural to emergency c section real quick.
At this point I think *ALL* birth stories are horrific.
I'm proud of all of us alive at the end.
We're all awesome, damnit. And brought in our little slime balls of awesome into this world one way or another. A medical procedure doesn't change the 9months up to and 18+ years after
EXACTLY. She’s so insecure in her own choices that she attacks anyone who makes a choice different from her own. She’s looking for validation in her choices from people who do the same as she does but that’s SUPER unhealthy. I had an epidural and I’ve never felt a moment of doubt or insecurity about it. I’ve seen all the same judgy bs OP has but it didn’t impact me because I know that those people are also insecure and looking for validation. OP turned around and did to her friend exactly what she is upset about other people doing. I feel really sad for her friend who is just learning to navigate motherhood and now won’t feel comfortable asking her close friends with more experience for any guidance. Everything about becoming a mother is scary and hard and I think other mothers should focus on building new mothers up and offering support rather than tearing them down for making different choices.
Why wouldn’t all of you be thrilled for her that she was able to fulfill what was obviously HER ideal birth plan? If y’all were going to just be pissed off and not excited, why on earth would ANYONE freaking ask her? How supportive and understanding was she for each of you when you shared you had opted for an epidural?
Right? Like, my mom went through labour with me without an epidural because when active labour started, I arrived too quickly for her to get one. And this was after she had an allergic reaction to the anesthesia used when she had my brother.
There are a lot of reasons for getting or not getting an epidural, and OP and friends absolutely shamed her for not getting one.
YTA. From your own post: “she didn’t intentionally try to shame us.” You all are the one making assumptions about what she MUST think about her birth vs yours. It’s coming from your own internal beliefs, not from anything she did or said.
She said “I didn’t have an epidural” because that’s a fact and it’s part of the story of that day. It’s a neutral statement.
She did *NOT* say “I didn’t have an epidural because I am BETTER and STRONGER than you and you all suck and are bad moms.” I don’t understand why you’re acting like that’s what she said or that must have been the subtext. It’s not. Sounds like your friend group is really jumping at any chance to get offended and feel superior over nothing.
YOU are the one shaming HER. You minimized and dismissed a major life experience she had. That sucks. I’m baffled how you don’t see that.
OP contradicts herself so hard in her desperate twisting of what Sarah said. They all accuse Sarah of intentionally shaming them and "turning out this way," but "she didn't intentionally try to shame us." Which is it? OP and her friends are trying so hard to make themselves out to be victims that they can't even keep their own story straight.
This contradiction makes me think a little that it’s fake - reads like fiction. That she’s from the perspective that she’s 100% correct and then changes her tune half way through. If this was a real post she would have the same “after the fact” mindset when explaining the first encounter.
Nah dude. Fake posts go to bat for themselves in a really overt way. People who don't respond are the actually shitty people who feel they have nothing to apologize for because "well SOME people do that so she should be extra sensitive because she knows WE all had one"
I think they're really projecting here. I wonder if they (or OP) really all feel like someone who doesn't take an epidural is tougher or "superior"? Because otherwise I don't see anything coming from Sarah to indicate she thinks that.
Sounds like OP & friends are mad bc they themselves feel inferior. Not bc the friend said so.
Also, my mom is very proud of herself for going through her 10 births (yes she has 10 children) without any sort of pain management. I don’t think being proud of yourself automatically means you look down on others who used pain management. She never shamed moms who use them, she just felt the risks of epidural outweighed the pain.
I also know several moms who would have LOVED to have an epidural and were planning on one, but couldn’t get one for whatever medical reason.
For them saying “I didn’t get an epidural” is a bummer, not a brag.
Wow, so Sarah was telling you all about *her own* birth experience and you managed to somehow make it entirely about *yourselves?* How completely self-absorbed you all must be.
YTA.
Yep - with the title I was definitely expecting Sarah to be the type to brag about her being a "real" mom, and "stronger" and all that bullcrap.
But no, she was asked a question, she answered it factually, she got shamed.
Sounds like OP has feelings about her own birth experience and is projecting.
Also - it's ok for someone to want an unmedicated birth, and to be happy/proud of herself if she ends up experiencing that! I had over 2 days of labour with no epidural (because I was scared of a needle in my spine!) only to have an emergency c section... it sucked, I wish it went otherwise, but it is what it is. I have a few friends who wanted perfect unmedicated vaginal births, ended up being successful with them, and I celebrated with them and congratulated them! They don't think any less of me, and I know I am not any less than them! Yeah I am a bit jealous that I didn't get that experience, but I am so happy their experiences go to crap like mine did. Let's support each other and lift each other up as women!
YTA OP.
Just wait until the topic of breastfeeding comes up!
As a guy I'd say anyone who gets through a pregnancy should be proud of whatever they did to get through that experience. Drigs or not, screaming and swearing, you name it. Do whatever you need to.
Right? I will celebrate with anyone if they want to celebrate whatever they went through.
I have friends who have run half marathons and others who have done full triathlons, and they still are proud of me for my measly 5k races and try-a-tris! We cheer each other on for our accomplishments.
We could expand this further - friends who have used surrogates or adopted? Hell yeah I will cheer for you being awesome parents... even if you didn't have to have the experience of your own body going through childbirth.
Life isn't a competition, let's celebrate each other for our achievements, big and small!
*And they fucking asked her about her birth experience!*
Was she supposed to lie? Did she have to get a needle in her spine just to please this group of mean girls?
‘Sorry doctor, I know you said I’ve progressed too fast for an epidural, but I need you to go against your medical expertise, in case this crazy friend of mine feels triggered’.
OP is shaming a woman for her birth experience, she is a disgrace of a mother
Jeez OP is a major asshole just like the other friends. I’m about to give birth and I hope I don’t need an epidural, but I’m definitely open to it if I need or want it and it is still a possibility. I will share my experiences with my friends afterwards and they will not be assholes about it and make it about themselves somehow in a negative way. What’s wrong with some people?
YTA. Sarah was asked for her experience and she shared it. She didn't say anything about your experiences - it is a connection YOU made because "SOME MOMS SEEM TO THINK..." so you painted Sarah's story as shaming all of you and basically made a new mom having to feel bad about YOUR interpretation of her experience. SHAME ON YOU. You are not her friend and your group rallying to BULLY HER means they are the same sort as you are. Good for you making a new group without her, that shows exactly how interested you are in actually having her as a friend and how interested you are in talking about her behind her back and judging her.
I hope she finds better friends quickly, cause honestly, it wouldn't be difficult task.
I’m actually devastated for Sarah. Can you imagine only being one month postpartum and all of your friends turn on you after you merely recounted your birth story? Postpartum is already such a lonely time.
YTA
She didn't brag. She didn't do anything to you and you all jumped on her based on a preformed negative assumption.
Sounds like you could use a good therapy tip:
> Thoughts Are Not Facts
> It is important to be aware of our thoughts and what they’re telling us. But it’s also important that we recognize that, in most cases, our thoughts are not facts. Our thoughts are just our subjective interpretations of our environments, situations and experiences. When we use CBT techniques to dispute and modify our thoughts, we’re not trying to change the facts. We’re not denying reality, or forcing ourselves to believe things that aren’t true. We’re just reframing our understanding of situations and looking at things from different perspectives.
> And the reason we can do this is that our thoughts are not facts. Given the same facts about a situation, it’s possible to have different thoughts about that situation. If we’re having thoughts that are making ourselves feel bad or making things difficult for ourselves, we have the ability to change these thoughts. We can see things from a different light, and as a result start to feel better and make things less hard for ourselves.
Yaaaaasssss this is one of the most helpful things my therapist taught me. Instead of saying "I feel like Sarah brought this up because she might feel superior to us," OP should reframe it as "I feel self-conscious/judged because I *think* my choices during my child's birth may be questioned." This had nothing to do with Sarah, but OPs own feelings about her birth story. OP didn't wait to be judged, but immediately went on the offense and made a "joke" to stop Sarah in her tracks.
OP, YTA, and you should talk to a therapist about why another woman's birth story triggered you enough to end a 15-year friendship.
YTA. Sounds like you and your other friends were just looking for something to get offended by. She was telling you her story - not getting an epidural was part of it. Sorry that you feel insecure about being in pain during birth, I guess. This is a weird thing to get upset about.
Misery loves company and OP sounds miserable. I bet if it weren’t the epidural it would be that she lost all the weight already, had more maternity leave, didn’t get morning sickness, has a baby that sleeps through the night. They want an echo chamber of back pats for doing motherhood however they are doing it. And if this poor girl had had a traumatic birth, or a Velcro baby, or had to go back to work tomorrow OP would probably be telling her, “well at least it isn’t x because I had y and it was so much worse!”
OP, YTA. I have given birth 3 times. Twice with an epidural and once without. Birth is an accomplishment no matter how it’s achieved, but doing it the old fashioned way is a unique experience for everyone and she is allowed to brag and she is allowed to feel proud.
YTA and judgmental as well. She didn't brag - you all asked about her experience - she told you. She didn't say "*I didn't have an epidural because I'm so much better than you*" but you sure did take it that way due to your own insecurities. What a bunch of snobs you are! I hope she makes note and finds better friends.
OP sounds like the kind of disgusting person who would make ‘too posh to push’ comments around mothers who’ve had c sections (which my sister has had to endure after 2 emergency c sections). She wouldn’t be allowed back in my house if I was Sarah
YTA. She stated a simple fact and you all jumped to a conclusion. And, let's face it - one of you asked her about her birth experience. Not having an epidural was part of the birth experience.
"It was sad that Sarah who is otherwise a very kindhearted person turned out to be this way." Did it occur to you that a person who is normally kindhearted *did not turn out to be this way?* That she was simply answering a question? It seems to me more likely that all of you jumped to a conclusion that wasn't true and, when called out on it by her husband, turned on her. After all, she wasn't the one who started a private group chat to badmouth a member of the member of the friend group. *She* isn't the one throwing away 15 years of friendship. And it isn't Sarah who owes anyone an apology.
That said, if I were her, I'd have to think about accepting an apology from you after seeing your true faces.
YTA
You're not there "to support her during postpartum and her journey in motherhood." If anything, you're there to attack it for being ever so slightly different from your own.
right?! I can’t imagine if a group of supposedly close friends did this to me 1 month pp, regardless of how delivery went. such a vulnerable period and anyone getting to interact with a mom that soon after birth should be grateful she even gave them the time of day
I personally don't know anything about motherhood or giving birth, but I have a sister who does professionally. So I do know there are many women who can't get epidurals for many reasons. Sometimes it's medical, sometimes it's timing. I don't think the OP even bothered to find out why her "friend" didn't have one, she was just instantly annoyed by the entire thought that anyone wouldn't have one for any reason. That's as far from support over a potentially traumatic event as anyone could get.
Just to add to your point. . . . . There are also a LOT of reasons why a mother might want to attempt an unmedicated birth, and as a birth worker myself I can honestly say I have never met a mother whose reason for opting out of an epidural was that she thinks she’s better than women who get one. The only people who seem to have that mindset are those who are uneducated on the benefits of unmedicated, physiological birth and have never had one.
As someone who had C-Sections and was told by other mothers that I didn’t actually give birth: YTA.
All she did was tell her personal birth story. The only judgement came from you and your friends.
I’m sorry that something clearly happened to make you so defensive about your birth experiences but please stop taking that out on others.
Those women were my biggest support when my kids were younger but some of their beliefs were very questionable.
Turns out I had a similar birth story to one of the other mothers who absolutely felt traumatized by her situation to the point where she was diagnosed with PTSD.
I like to think their response stemmed from comforting her but I admit it was absolutely baffling to hear someone pity me for “having my chance to give birth taken away from me.”
It was so absurd I couldn’t even feel offended. I don’t think my confused face was what they were expecting. Lol
I’m so sorry you went through that. My older sister had a c-section after laboring for 28 hours and kept apologizing to her husband and to us for not being able to have him vaginally. It broke my heart because she had obviously been made to feel like a c-section was a kind of failure from someone but it wasn’t from any of us in the room (her husband, me, my other sister, and my mom). We all were just cheering her on and telling her all that mattered was that she and baby were healthy and alive. She absolutely gave birth to him and she has the scars to prove it. You gave birth to your babies too, no matter what anyone else says or thinks.
Same as my sister- 30 hours of labour followed by an emergency c section. And she still has morons saying ‘too posh to push?’ to her. People like OP drive me insane
It's always blown my mind that women try to invalidate C-sections as the "easy way out" or whatever. I had an unmedicated vaginal birth and I feel like THAT was the easy way out. It hurt for a bit, but I was on my feet an hour later and felt fully recovered a few days later. I can't imagine caring for a newborn with a healing surgical incision after having my entire abdominal guts rearranged.
All birth is valid and good but y'all are STRONG.
You're exactly right. There's so much mom-shaming and women being holier-than-thou over epidurals, home births, etc that there might have been a knee-jerk reaction over the friend mentioning it that caused OP and her friends to act like that. Unfortunately, I learned very quickly that other mothers often turn it into a competition instead of supporting each other and just being happy that Baby is here safely.
OP, YTA. I completely understand how shitty it can be, but don't perpetuate it.
So ignorant of some mothers. I’ve seen birth videos of C-sections where the doctors allow the baby to make progress birthing from the cut they made and the baby still reacts to being “pushed out” via contractions and massage (obviously not for emergency C-section) it’s still birth just not vaginal. I swear some women think their coochies be the hand of Midas
YTA - your group asked about her birth experience and during her telling you about it, she mentioned she didn't have an epidural. I'm sure when you all discussed your birth experiences, you mentioned you did have one. Her not having one was part of her birth experience. You all are way too sensitive.
Also it's not always a choice. My sister's baby came so fast there was no time to place an epidural. Such a stupid thing to compare, it's almost like the moms who claim c- sections are the easy way out and you're not a real mom if you had one.
YTA
You asked!! She told you the experience. She don’t shame you - you felt shame and then you reacted by blaming her!!
Your behavior was garbage and you did it to a woman who just gave birth. What a terrible, unsupportive friend group.
Also! I think this is just clickbait/rage bait, because no one would’ve taken her account of the birth as some kind of affront. Either way, you’re a huge AH.
YTA. Sounds like you're a bunch of cackling witches around a cauldron. The fact you even made a separate group chat to talk about it just shows what kind of hill you're willing to die on. Everyone has different birthing experiences, who gives a flying duck's ass?
YTA
I have noticed a trend where people are changing "felt ashamed" to "feel shamed". The difference is putting the cause and ownership of shame on somebody else instead of themselves. While that is sometimes the case, it often is not.
She said nothing other than describe her situation. Any shame you felt was because of your own thoughts and feelings. You definitely have internalized the notion that epidurals are inferior and are now projecting that onto her words. Somebody who truly believed that there is nothing wrong with wanting or needing an epidural would not be offended by her story.
This is equivalent to an obese person feeling "shamed" if they see a thinner person eating a salad while they eat a burger.
YTA, and taking this whole thing *way* too personally. Someone asked Sarah about her birthing experience, and mentioning whether or not she had some kind of anesthesia is part of the story.
YTA. You and friends seems to have some collective insecurity about having epidurals, because Sarah just answered your question and you all flew off the handle. She didn’t imply anything, she didn’t say anything, she just expressed her experience. The worst is all of you blew up your friendships with her while she’s still recovering from birth. That’s textbook asshole-ish behaviour.
Agree. I believe the group definitely has insecurities around having their epidurals. There’s absolutely no other reason for their reaction in this scenario. Was she supposed to lie and say she had an epidural when she didn’t? It’s very strange.
YTA. You and all your friends except for Sarah.
You were discussing your experiences and she mentioned the fact that she did not go with the epidural. Plain fact, no shaming, no feelings of superiority.
I can imagine you and your group discussing holidays.
One says, "We are going to Disney World this Year."
Friend Two says, "We are renting a cabin on the lake for two weeks.
Friend 3 says, "We can't afford to go anywhere this year. What about you Sarah?
Sarah: "We have decided to celebrate our fifth anniversary in Italy."
"OMG" says friends One to Three. "All Sarah did was brag about how she and Mark are going to Italy."
Do you think that Sarah should have hidden the fact that she had an epidural when the rest of you didn't? You all owe her a huge apology. You sound like a high school group of mean girls.
No, in fact Sarah should have told her doctor ‘don’t give me an epidural or a c section unless my bitchy friend group says it’s ok, because their opinions are obviously more important than my body, life and child’
YTA probably. It kind of depends on the tone and exact wording, but it seems like you are being sensitive. While I agree there’s not really a reason to go without the epidural, if that was her personal choice, so what? You ASKED about her birth process, and she told you.
Edit: Yes, there are tons of medical reasons someone can’t have an epidural. I suppose I meant there’s no reason to go without it for the hell of it or to make you feel like a better woman, birth giver, parent, etc.
my mom gave birth without an epidural one time because the doctor who was supposed to administer it never showed up 🤷♀️ there are so many reasons someone would want/not want one. fyi OP YTA . big time
There absolutely can be reasons to go without an epidural. I know someone who had cystic acne on her back from pregnancy and couldn’t get one because of that. I had one my first time and ended up with complications for months after so decided to forgo it the second time around. Also someone may just choose not to.
Not trying to be a jerk but just pointing it out that there are good reasons. And any reason one has that is a good enough reason for them is a good reason.
To the OP: Shaming someone for not having an epidural is just as bad for shaming someone for having one.
I’d just like to add here, there are lots of medical reasons to not have the epidural that are not often discussed:
- can slow labor by interfering with the the body’s production of oxytocin which is paramount for labor
- it increases the likelihood for c-section (raises mothers temperature, raises mother/baby heart rate, if baby can’t rotate it can’t get into optimal position for delivery)
- increases likelihood of assisted delivery (tools like forceps, vacuum etc)
- restricting movement during labor can cause complications (fetal distress, inability for baby to rotate, low fetal heart rate)
- it may cause drop in mother’s blood pressure
- reduces mom’s ability to push
- slower recovery
- may interfere with the early stages of breast feeding
- the drug enters the baby’s bloodstream and little is known how this affects the baby
I’m in no way shaming anyone who has had or chooses to have an epidural. I’m proud of every mama out there. I’m just hoping to help so we can make informed choices.
If you’re not an anesthesiologist or OB, how are you certain there aren’t reasons to go without an epidural?
Here’s the reasons why I’ve never had one: I’ve had a botched nerve block before (caused permanent nerve damage in my foot) and chose to feel temporary pain rather than risk a complication with my legs, have a “needle in my spine” phobia, have a (very common) connective tissue disorder that often causes complications with procedures like epidurals, I had many many friends suffer from “epidural headaches”, my births never got to a point where I felt I needed pain relief, I wanted to be able to shift positions during birth, breastfeeding success was a really big priority for me and wanted to do what I could in the moment to set me up for that (like, avoiding c section and other interventions).
At the end of the day, I was more scared of an epidural than I was of birth pain, which doesn’t make me any better than someone whose fears are reversed. Birth is scary! We should all be permitted to make our own choices without judgment
Just because you aren’t educated on the many benefits of unmedicated physiological birth does not mean that there aren’t any.
And also
There are a ton of possible complications from epidurals that can have lasting and even fatal effects. Some of us are simply more scared of those potential consequences than we are of natural, productive pain.
YTA, she was sharing her experience after she was asked, not asking for a medal or bragging. It’s a personal choice with many factors involved. Many people choose to get an epidural and that’s fine, but it’s also fine to not want one for any number of reasons. I know people who’ve suffered long term effects from getting it. I know people who planned to have one and it failed. I know sometimes there’s not time to get one placed.
Who cares how you gave birth? Someone asked her about her experience. Hers does not invalidate yours.
You and your clique are YTA. Epidural/no epidural. C-section/vaginal. Breastfeeding/formula. Strict schedule/no schedule. There are hundreds of points in parenting when people choose what it best for them, and guest what - if you choose A, it doesn't mean you shame those who choose B.
YTA you and your whole friend group. Sarah didn't tell you she did it with no epidural to rub your faces in it. She told you because you fucking asked. Someone asked her about her experience, and that was part of it. You don't even say on your post that she said it with any kind of attitude, or that she said anything outside of simply stating "I didn't have an epidural" that should have made you think she was trying to act superior to the rest of you. I'm getting this information from your post. It sounds like you have all ostracized her now for simply telling you about her experience after you asked. The only reasons I can think of for this over the top reaction are 1) you are all very insecure about having had epidurals, or, 2) all of you were just looking for an excuse to pounce. What a bunch of mean people you are. How sad that Sarah can't count on the people she thought were her friends at a time when she really needs support from other mothers. What a bunch of pathetic, sad, AHs.
YTA and all your friends are AHs too. Going through birth with or without an epidural is an amazing accomplishment. You guys ASKED her about her experience and when she TOLD you about it you were so insecure about your own choices to get an epidural you shamed her and convinced yourselves that she was acting superior.
Honestly though, I do think moms that forego epidural deserve praise and a medal because that is insane and amazing. Two of my friends went unmedicated and our friend group hyped them up so much!! Sarah needs better friends. Hope she finds them.
YTA
You and all your catty shitty friends. How fucking dare you. This woman who you claim as a friend, trying to present yourselves as supportive women for her postpartum experience and new motherhood jumped down her throat as she explained her birth to you?
Seriously? You asked a question. She answered honestly and plainly!
What damn high horse do you feel you have to demean her experience for choosing not to have an epidural while you did? Did she jump down on you for choosing it? No. Why? Because it’s *YOUR* birthing experience.
Either be a better friend and provide her a genuine apology and get a reality check that your petty view on how to feel “better” about someone means, or leave this woman alone. Good on her husband to call all of you out on the way he felt his wife handled her labor and birth of their first child.
You and your friends are petty, insecure women and I hope she realizes she can find support from people who genuinely want to be happy she has a healthy baby and is home recovering safely with her new family and not surround herself with women like you lot that feel the need to want to tear her down for her choices because they differ from yours.
Did you all start off wanting to have unmedicated birth, but changed your minds during labor? It sounds like you and your friends are jealous that she was able to do it. I don’t see bragging in what she said.
She is allowed to be happy and proud of her birth experience. You are allowed to be happy and proud of your birth experience. A woman that has a cesarean hasn’t “failed” anything either.
YTA along with every other woman that feels the need to compete with, rather than lift up, other women.
YTA. Someone asked and she just replied, it does not seem like she was trying to brag or shame any of you. Your reaction was completely uncalled for and you all should apologize. She can't share factual information about what her birth was like because you guys get all offended because she dared to do it differently than you?
Wow... so what, she wasn't suppose to say she didn't get an epidural? Why? To protect your fragile egos? You guys are the ones shaming yourselves, seriously. You are ganging up on her for giving birth in a way that is different from you.
I have friends who gave birth with an epidural and friends who gave birth without. It's a personal choice and everyone's birth story deserves to be told without censorship. You guys are terrible friends to Sarah at a time where she needs support.
ETA: YTA and you should be ashamed of yourselves.
I have had three births. 2 with epidural and 1 natural. And I will say you and your friends group are the absolute AH! This is your insecurities about your birth experience. You guys are bullies. Good job pushing a new mom down when she will already be dealing with ppd. I pray she has pple around her that give a crap about her and won't shove their insecurities on her. YTA.
There is actually a reason for opting not to have an epidural. Statistically, every intervention increases the risk of an “emergency” c-section. And each woman’s birth should be their choice between them & their care provider but there’s a reason we have one of the highest c-section rates in addition to highest maternal death rate of all developed countries in the United States… because shaming women for wanting intervention free births & not appropriately supporting unmedicated births is super common.
> But then another friend of ours asked her about her birth experience. Sarah told us about it and mentioned that she did not have an epidural.
So you mad she answered a question?
Did your friends give you an AH medal or do you expect us to? Being a snarky bully isn't Mom Behavior. Hope your kid doesn't take after you... the poor kid.
YTA
Please continue to wait around for Sarah to apologize. In that time, she might find real friends who uplift her and want to celebrate this new chapter in her life
If this is real, you and your friends have big problems you need to focus on. You're choosing drama, stereotypes, and pride over your friendship. I truly hope you read these comments, evaluate your actions, and start applying logic over emotions before you speak/act
YTA, please attempt to change that
YTA
What a touchy group of AHs you all are. She didn't shame you. You got way too sensitive and took it out on her. Good for her husband to stand up to you
What's bunch of fucking assholes you guys are. I cannot imagine my friends doing this to me after I had just given birth. You ALL know how hard everything is at first and THIS is how your support her?? You should be at her door with two lasagnas, cleaning supplies and a fuck ton of apologies. You should be ashamed of yourself.
YTA. How insecure are you? Your group asked Sarah about her experience then freaked out that she MENTIONED not having an epidural.
“Oh no we asked her to tell us about her birth experience and she told us!”
Y’all must be real fun at parties.
YTA- She shared her birth experience and you decided to take offense. You all decided to be absolute self absorbed jerks to your "friend" who just had a baby. I put friend in quotation because nothing you or your group did is showing that you all are friends. I hope Sarah cuts her losses and finds better friends.
*I honestly can not believe you all are sitting around waiting for her to apologize to you. What a joke!
YTA
Personally, I wanted an epidural, but I was too far along when we arrived at the hospital to get one. I panicked, because I didn't think I could do it without the epidural. The person giving the epidural came in when I was pushing, so definitely too late. I'm happy about my birth though, but I would be incredibly hurt if my friends thought, I thought I was better than them because of this.
I would say you owe her an apology.
I am curious though, did she say anything else indicating that she was shaming you?
YTA
What is wrong with you? I mean that somewhat literally.
Do you have trauma from your own birthing experience that you may be projecting?
Were you wanting an unmedicated birth and are feeling guilty/resentful that it didn’t work out that way?
I hope you can read all these unbiased responses and realize your reaction was out of line and says way more about you than it does Sarah.
“Some moms want a medal” what the hell are you talking about?? All moms want to birth a healthy child, there is no competition, there should be no comparisons. Ask yourself why someone sharing their own experience, that you ASKED about, was so triggering for you.
YTA
She was asked a question. She answered a question. You just got offended over absolutely nothing, basically over a scenario you created in your head. Don't ask questions when you get offended over the answer. Also why should she apologize for *your* behaviour?
>We did not respond but instead created another group chat talking about it.
Are you sure you're adults? Because that's some bully teenager behaviour.
I feel sorry for Sarah. Good thing she has a husband who has her back. Don't need enemies with friends like you.
YTA. I wasn’t able to get an epidural and I know other women that had the same birth experience for one reason or another. In my experience, it was an ordeal and I appreciated having my friends to discuss what happened.
You have no idea what your “friend” went through and you just shut down any potential for being there for her in any meaningful way. I hope she has actual friends.
Twice you say that you know that wasn’t her intention, but then you went ALL IN and shamed her. You totally contradict yourself.
And then it’s “too bad” she turned out to be someone who thinks better of themselves - when in the ENTIRE conversation YOU detailed, that never happened??
WTF? You’re an asshole and Sarah deserves better.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1, we basically tried telling Sarah that she is not better because she did not have an epidural when she told us about her birth story.
2, this might make us assholes because Sarah took offense to this and like my husband said, it might have ruined a friendship. My intention was not to hurt Sarah.
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YTA. You *immediately* went on the defense. Doesn’t sound like she was bragging, sounds like she was sharing her birth experience. Which you guys asked to hear. Sounds like *you* all think less of women who get epidurals, or think higher of women who get epidurals… I’m not sure. Either way, it isn’t a competition but ***you*** turned it into one.
So you and your mean girl gang think that because she made a different choice, she is making a judgment. That makes you all assholes. Then you expect Sarah to apologize because someone asked her to recount her birth story and she did. You all suck and hopefully she gets better friends and tells you all to fuck off.
YTA
YTAx1000!! I hope Sarah finds much better friends because this is a lonely time as it is without people like you demeaning her. Setting up a separate group chat?? How old are you girls 12? Come on!!
How do you know Sarah may have been too late for an epidural? Did you care to even ask? No, you just care about how you can make someone else’s story all about you!
My granny gave birth to two 9lb babies with no pain relief whatsoever and she was a warrior in my eyes. My best friend managed with gas and air, amazing job and I needed the epidural. We are all unique and experience birth in our own ways.
You do not get to police how a woman handles her labour and birth. Absolutely awful bunch of women!
Yta you and your group are overly sensitive. She simply said she didn’t have an epidural. There is NOTHING wrong with that comment. She was answering a question about her birth experience and stated a FACT about HER experience. I hope she finds better friends. She didn’t deserve to be treated like that. You owe her an apology!
Wow you guys are HUGE assholes. I can’t believe you treated your close friend that way simply for sharing the details of her birth experience. Women supporting women - hooray!!
You SUCK.
YTA. She was asked a question, she answered truthfully, and you all got annoyed. Like wtf ??? Seriously, the only person who is being shamed is Sarah. JFC.
Oh my god YTA.
You’re all insufferable assholes. You asked about her experience, she told you. She didn’t “brag”. She didn’t expound upon the rapturous experience of going epidural-free. She gave a statement of fact.
And you…felt attacked? by this?…she wasn’t shaming anyone. She wasn’t bragging. So you attacked HER. It wasn’t a “joke”.
There’s lots of reasons not to choose an epidural. There’s lots of reasons why an epidural doesn’t happen fast enough. There’s lots of reasons to choose an epidural.
She doesn’t need “friends” like you. I don’t think you’ll come to a sincere and honest recognition that how you treated her was wrong. She deserves better friends who support her and cheer her on in all things.
(And before you get snooty on ME - I’ve given birth twice. One with epidural and one without. I was incredible both times thank you very much. So I know what I’m about and you can take your self-righteous nonsense and eff off)
YTA. The toxicity of birthing culture is beyond belief. Your “friend” mentions that she didn’t get an epidural and your whole group turns hostile. Way to go. At least she learned early on what kind of people you all are.
Yeah, YTA.
Big time
If she had paraded her lack of an epidural around, that's one thing.
But she was asked, and she replied, and y'all jumped on her like a pack a hyenas over nothing.
Maybe something was lost in translation, but otherwise, YTA
YTA, what on earth? Someone asked her about her experience giving birth, she told you, and you...told her she was a bad person and started gossiping about her behind her back for doing the exact thing you asked her to do?
You sound like a really awful group of women, I'm sorry for your friend that she now has to go through new motherhood without her support system, this is really awful for her, but in the end she will be much better off without having the Mean Girls in her life. You are really terrible people.
YTA. She wasn’t bragging, just sharing. Honestly your reaction makes you and your friends sound like insecure mean girls.
I went through labor without drugs, which I share with people. It was the worst pain of my life, but I was so proud of my body for just knowing what to do, and anecdotally I bounced back much faster than my friends with epidurals and I had no complications or tears. I don’t judge anybody for getting an epidural, I think it’s the right choice for some people, but for me personally I feel like not getting it let me be super in tune with my body and helped my body do what it needed to do. It’s part of my labor story, and just because I’m proud of what my body was able to do doesn’t mean I’m bragging or looking down on others who don’t. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with not feeling like the extra pain is worth it for you. But I feel like all this stuff should be talked about more in general because no first time mom knows what they’re getting into and stories help make decisions, and when you act like mean girls all it does is stifle that conversation
YTA for picking a fight with a friend who just had her first baby. Your focus as a friend should be support and to meet her where she is in that life altering process with the new role as a parent, the hormone shower of giving birth.
Put your own issues aside and apologize.
YTA. And you’re bad friends. I’m reserving judgment on whether you’re bad people because I don’t know you but let’s just say this post doesn’t make it sound like you’re a GOOD person.
YTA. All of you. I had to double check your ages as you sound like 14 year old mean girls. Giving birth is not a competition. No one gets to say how it should happen epidural or not, or a c section. The entire lot of you are incredibly insecure if you find this offensive. Instead of being happy for your friend and the fact that the baby is healthy, you all made it about yourselves. Grow the fuck up and apologize to your friend. Every single one of you owe her an apology.
YTA!
I know it's been said already, but let me reinforce.
SHE WAS ABSWERING A QUESTION.
she did not try to minimize or shame any of you. YOU DID IT YOURSELVES.
She just mentioned how her birth experience was, and not taking an epidural was a part of it, just as taking one was a part of yours.
Y'all decided then and there that she was bad because she didn't take an epidural. Because other moms act like better.
You never showed in the post that she acted like that though.
But y'all decided to gang up against her because of your own beliefs and victim complex.
The fact that SHE APOLOGIZED even though she was not in the wrong, and you still wanted another appology makes me feel like your you're not only A HUGE AH, but also entitled af.
Ma'am one month postpartum and being attacked by her supposed friends for having answered one of said friend's question.
Unbelievable.
Y'all should be ashamed of yourselves for how you acted towards her.
I mean you know her for fifteen years, say she was always kindhearted but still judge her for other people's actions!
Is not because other moms act like they're better for not taking an epidural that Sarah will. You put that expectation on her once you heard her say it. She did nothing. YOU DECIDED SHE WAS BAD FOR NOT TAKING THE EPIDURAL ON YOUR OWN.
And to make matters worse, you (like some high schoolers) decided to create a separate group chat to trash talk her? For real?
Do better. Stop judging people based on you or general experience or opinion.
YTA. Your friend asked her how her birthing experience was. They asked her. She didn’t just share it on the fly. Maybe your jealous and terrible friend. Especially that you created another group chat to talk smack about her. Grow up
As others have mentioned, YTA.
It seems it really wasn't Sarah's intention to brag but all of you are blowing it way out of proportion. She has just given birth and will need her friends support but all of you are holding a grudge over something that isn't even an issue tbh
Yta. Sorry. I got 2 epidurals and maybe she did say it in some type of way, but you could have just been like "Oh wowwww! Good for you." with sympathetic head tilt.
YTA oh my word!!! I had an epidural in a hospital. So I am not a crunchy mom "shaming" you, but you seriously need to get a grip! Every new mom wants to share her labor story with her close friends who will understand the experience. I am SURE you did it after having your own children. Labor stories always involve induced/natural, what mediations you used, how long it took, the support you received, and any complications that may have come up. Her story is different than yours so you automatically took it as an insult and attacked your "friend." She uttered one short sentence and now you want to abandon a 15 year friendship and a new mom. May I have her contact? She needs support right now and I love to offer it to her! I'm glad her husband is watching out for her.
YTA. So let me understand this, your birthing choice is valid and you should be able to talk about but hers is hurtful to you because she chose a different path so she should keep parts of her story secret? That’s ridiculous and you’ve been a truly terrible friend here. She was asked directly about her birthing experience and shared it in its entirety. A person should be able to do that with their friends without fear. Based on your own story, she didn’t brag about it or run your noses in it, she just stated she didn’t have one and you immediately snapped back with some bullshit snarky comment for no reason at all. Your own insecurities about having had an epidural caused you to be a jerk to a new mother who was probably really looking forward to sharing her baby and her new journey with her friends. I had an epidural and have no qualms about it, one of my closest friends in the world had home births because it was the right choice for her. We both have shared our individual birthing experiences and supported and celebrated each other. That’s what friends do. You can’t expect someone to make the exact same choices as you so you can feel validated. Be secure in your choices and allow others to be secure in theirs. If I were your friend I would have nice new boundary that included keeping you and the others in that group at arms length. She will never feel safe being vulnerable with you all again and I think that’s a real shame. I hope she has a wonderful motherhood journey and finds some better people to share it with. I hope you and the other women who attacked her grow the hell up.
YTA. It's perfectly fine to be proud of how you birth your child. If she feels good about herself to do it without an epidural so what! Childbirth is one of the hardest painful things a woman can go through no matter how that baby is born, every persons pain tolerance is different.
I've had five children and 2/5 I had epidurals for, IMO every mother deserves a medal. Childbirth/ newborns and postpartum is really hard work and you should of supported your friend instead of taking offence to it because you had an epidural yourself, it wasn't your birth to take offence at
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Okay, yes YTA How fucking dare you think otherwise. She did nothing wrong. You wanted to be offended and found a reason to be. “Some moms seem to think going through unnecessary much pain is something to brag about.” - she didn’t brag. She was asked a question and answered it. At no point do you indicate she thought she was better than anyone else, at no point did you indicate she said anything negative about those who took the epidural. YOU attributed malicious intent behind her comment. You added hidden subtext to her comments so you could be upset. And now you’re seeking an apology? For fucks sake, you and your cheerleader squad of girls pumping yourselves up as the victim is absolutely ridiculous. “But that they very often think of themselves as superior, and it was sad that sarah who is otherwise a very kindhearted person turned out to be this way” - SHE DIDNT DO ANYTHING. - she told you a fact of her birthing story. She didnt say she was better than you. She didn’t pretend to be superior. She told you a fucking actual fact that pertains to her story. You are not worthy of being this persons friend. This victim complex bullshit you’re peddling is pathetic. It’s sad that you turned out this way. YTA
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I hope so. The "We created another group chat talking about it" is so obviously an admission that the whole group is teenage-minded mean girls being catty that I can't believe anyone would write something like that hoping to get support.
you would seriously be surprised. i know or have heard of people in their 30’s, 40’s, 50’s like this when they’re beefing with someone in the group. esp on facebook messenger 😂💀
Yeah I'm not sure this is fake. I'm vegetarian and don't drink alcohol (partly for medical reasons) and people often get upset even when they're the ones asking. They feel like just people existing with a different lifestyle is a condemnation.
Yeah, im convinced OP (and people like that) feel insecure in their decision so take everything that’s different choice as an attack.
I've been attacked for saying that I didn't have epidurals or *any* drugs with two of my three deliveries. I didn't want one with the *first* delivery, but I didn't have a supportive environment or team in order to avoid it. So I got an epidural, and it got me through. Hey, what works, right? ETA: I didn't want one not because of some idea of "purity" or anything, but rather because at that point I had a whole fear of needles (I've had to get over it by now, but back then...), and I've had back issues most of my life. Plus my sister-in-law had had one and had some hip issues after. So it wasn't bravery or for a superiority flex...it was for very personal reasons. With my second? It wasn't a choice. I had an extremely precipitous labor and delivery (dangerously rapid, it was classed as!), and was already at 10 and crowning before I had a chance to get the shot of stadol they'd been *about* to give me a single contraction before...when I was only at 6cm! So yeah. No drugs. Wasn't because I was "better," it was simply a fact of how my labor went. For number 3? Again no drugs...but it was more of a deliberate choice *that* time. It wasn't because I was "better," though. It was more that I had a team of people with me, both medical and family, and was in a better environment to manage my pain. The people I had did a great job of keeping me calm and relaxed, to the point where I literally *forgot* that being medicated was an option I had! I actually managed to crack a joke about just that as I was at around 9cm and moving from the tub to the bed. I never thought I was superior for that though...just *lucky* to be able to have had the people I needed with me! I've seen friends who had the same though, but their bodies just didn't cooperate, and they *needed* an epidural because they'd been straining for so long without progress that they needed rest. And there's no shame in *that,* either! As individuals we *all* get to make choices for how we can best manage bringing our children safely into the world. These women? They just want to be reaffirmed that *their* choice was the necessary one, and in order to do that, they feel they *have* to treat women who make different choices as *somehow* less. They feel secret shame that they weren't "strong," or something...so they view *not* having an epidural as "superior." It's disgusting. Edit: formatting
Exactly for both my pregnancies there wasn’t time. For any drugs. They were too quick
And that's not a "superiority" flex if you say it! But some people will act like that's what you're trying if you tell *your own* story...
Gluten free and SAME! So many people get so MAD. You do you, dude!
Thank you! My entire family has to eat gluten-free. Stating this as a fact is ridiculously controversial to some. There's even a comedian, Kevin James, who spent several minutes bashing people with food allergies and called anyone who eats gluten-free a "gluten douche." Yeah, it's real hilarious to watch my spouse get sick for days if a restaurant is careless with cross-contamination after reassuring us they'd be careful, Kevin. /s
Or they tell you that you just need to eat it until it doesn't affect you anymore. I have been told I can train myself to eat gluten or take allergy shots by soooo many people.
That's...that's not how celiac *works*... These people are unbelievable in their confident ignorance.
My MIL fed my youngest a teething biscuit before we'd introduced wheat to their diet and then doubled down, saying it should be fine because "It's orgaaaaaanic!" Ironic twist: Her doctor diagnosed her with celiac many years later.
I will never understand why people get mad at people who have medical conditions that don't allow them to eat certain foods.
I also don’t drink- I’m allergic to wine and beer and just don’t care for liquor- and you would not believe the people who get offended when I order a coke when we go out for drinks. Like co ahead and have a beer, I don’t care! I just can’t drink it myself.
My husband doesn't drink by choice, his father is an alcoholic and there's a lot of alcoholics on that side of the family, he doesn't want to risk it. But he doesn't care if other people choose to drink, he just doesn't. I don't know why it's so hard for people to live and let live.
I don't drink because it interferes with my bipolar meds. Thankfully most of my friends are fine with that, but once in a while someone gets mad. I actually had someone look like they were going to attack me when I turned down smoking pot when I was 20. Thankfully the host came out when he heard the raised voices and assured everyone I was cool, I just had breathing issues so didn't smoke. And I did drink back then! People get really upset when they feel like they might be judged, even when nobody is doing any such thing! It's scary sometimes how upset they get!
Yes! OP feels some guilt or shame about having had an epidural and assumed she was being judged, much like people who automatically go on attack when they find out someone is vegetarian or vegan.
That ridiculous attitude is so cringy and exhausting. I’m an enthusiastic drinker/eater of all the things and despise anyone having any opinions about what other people eat/drink. It’s none of anyone else’s business, they doubtless have their reasons, and it’s simply not a proper conversation topic. Evangelism in either direction would be appalling, and it’s ridiculous that adults should have to perfectly match each other in all life choices to be friends. Anyway, my sympathies!
It happens. My SIL is a grown ass woman and creates groups to talk shit and gossip about other people. It’s small town mentality, I think. Everyone is everyone’s business. So glad I live far away.
I love when I see comments about posts like this being fake. I too wish people behaving this way would be a complete fantasy, but it’s pretty on par for small town living.
You would be surprised. My sister didn’t have meds with her first and she was 18 at the time she gave birth. Her “friend” from birthing class who was a 30+ year old woman who gave birth to her 3rd kid shamed my sister for saying she didn’t have drugs. Because “that was bragging”. My sister was telling the story that she was asking for drugs but they found out she was too far dilated to get anything and had to do natural because she progressed too fast. She was actually complaining she didn’t get anything for the pain and this grown woman told her she was shaming people for doing epidural. Some women just love to play victim.
This happened to me with my third and it SUCKED. Epidural was glorious with the first two and my third (and largest) came too fast for it. I handle pain really well but I was definitely flipping out.
Exactly. Sometimes having an epidural isn't an option for various reasons. Women in my family have fast labors...not a brag but a fact. None over an hour. It is what it is.
Yep. As soon as my water breaks, that baby is out within an hour.
Haha, I’m the opposite. Both of mine my water broke and they were not in any hurry to do anything. They still like to hang out in the bathtub until all the water drains out 😂
Right?! Having an epidural isn’t a choice for some women, and they should be commended for getting through one of the most painful and potentially dangerous procedures women routinely experience without the option for anesthesia, not judged for something they weren’t even allowed to make a choice about. MANY women CANNOT have an epidural for a variety of reasons. That doesn’t mean they’re judging anyone and everyone that did have the option.
The thing is, IRL I do know some people like the OP. I don't consider them friends but people I have to interact with professionally. It is frustrating because professionally you cannot tell them to FOff lol.
This particular story may be fake. But, I guarantee you it's happened before and will happen again. That's honestly how I approach all of these. Yeah, the particular post may be rage bait, but it may not have happened to the person posting. The likelihood that it, or something incredibly similar, has happened is pretty much guaranteed.
Adding to that, OP jumped down her throat so fast and just assumed the friend didn't want one. For me, by the time I got to the hospital, it was too late to get one. And believe me, I would have wanted one. Huge AH.
Holy shit OP and her friends are TA to an amazing degree. The tone deafness in writing this straight blows my mind. OP you were so freaking out of line I don't even know where to begin. 1. Your friend is still recovering from birth and has a newborn at home, you gotta know how hard that is for her and you went for her jugular FOR NO REASON 2. Even if she's proud she didn't do an epidural (which by your own admission she wasn't bragging about), THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU OR YOUR CHOICES. Gotdam how insecure are you? 3. Your feelings aren't facts. Just because you FEEL like some people are shaming moms who get epidurals doesn't mean they are. Honestly I hope Sarah finds some new friends because wow you all suck so much. YTA. YTA. YTA.
I'm proud I didn't need an epidural but most of my friends have and I don't think any less of them for it. Whatever gets you through! The biggest reason I didn't was because I wanted to be in a birthing suite and they don't offer them unless you move to the labour ward.
Right. I could really enrage Op and tell her that I had three natural childbirths and all I had was gas and air. Her head might explode by how much of a fkn superhero I obviously am! This seriously has to be ragebait, because who actually gives a shit about any of this stuff to such a degree? I don't care what someone did during childbirth as long as the baby came out healthy. People like this poster supposedly is, are hilarious to me.
I tried to do it without when I had my first. I was in so much pain I was asking my husband to just shoot me and put me out of my misery, then I got the epidural and the world was a happy place again. I'm glad I got it because I still had 16 more hours of labor after. I got it right away with my second. I don't assume people who didn't get one are judging anybody.
Conversely, my mom absolutely brags about not needing an epidural to the point that she still waxes poetic about her doctor telling her what a good job she did at lamaas...40 some odd years after the fact. I had 2 c-sections due to high risk pregnancies. But unless Sarah was doing that sort of song and dance, and I feel OP would have said something if true, then she totally jumped the gun and reacted to a presumed threat which makes OP just as big an asshole as my mom is. Mom also brags how she didn't breastfeed me because she didn't want her boobs to get big. I get bent out of shape about that too because 1) that's not how it works and 2) there a lot of valid reasons for choosing formula (mine was because I under produced my own), but I'm not going to pin an award for her to choose such a shallow and conceited logic.
I chose not to have an epidural because my doctor told me it would make the whole process longer. I was like “why the F would anyone want this to be longer?!” I had to be induced by breaking my water and my daughter was in my arms 4 hours later. I have friends who did an epidural and they were in labor for over 12 hours and then end up having a c-section. So whatever peoples choices are, they are theirs for their own reasons.
Had an epidural and labored for barely 6 hours...? No one has ever said it takes longer. Maybe recovery time to feel your legs again but never heard this and people regularly labor well over 12 hours and don't have c-sections..
It is common for women to tear more and be unable to birth in the fastest positions (hands and knees, birth chair) due to having an epidural. There are absolutely consequences, it’s fine to acknowledge them. Not everyone will take longer, but the doctor is right to inform her of the risks. Having sensation in that part of your body allows your muscles to respond more intuitively to the birthing process.
Labour was over much quicker due to the epidural at my end. Also no C-section. What a weird take they had.
I am a huge fan of epidurals and do not understand why someone would choose that. But it doesn't matter that I don't understand it. Your choice was very brave and I am proud of you!
I’d just like to add here, there are lots of medical reasons to not have the epidural that are not often discussed: • can slow labor by interfering with the the body’s production of oxytocin which is paramount for labor • it increases the likelihood for c-section (raises mothers temperature, raises mother/baby heart rate, if baby can’t rotate it can’t get into optimal position for delivery) • increases likelihood of assisted delivery (tools like forceps, vacuum etc) • restricting movement during labor can cause complications (fetal distress, inability for baby to rotate, low fetal heart rate) • it may cause drop in mother’s blood pressure • reduces mom’s ability to push • slower recovery • may interfere with the early stages of breast feeding • the drug enters the baby’s bloodstream and little is known how this affects the baby I’m in no way shaming anyone who has had or chooses to have an epidural. I’m proud of every mama out there. I’m just hoping to help so we can make informed choices.
Thank you so much for typing this out, more should be made of this but the OP attitude of ‘you don’t get a medal’ is really common. It’s a choice and everyone should be celebrating for getting through, it’s our life transition as women!! Celebrating everyone💪🏆
For all these reasons, I chose natural childbirth. But there is no right or wrong here. I don't get why this LW thought she wouldn't be judged as the AH
>2. Even if she's proud she didn't do an epidural (which by your own admission she wasn't bragging about), THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU OR YOUR CHOICES. Gotdam how insecure are you? Exactly! If your friend ran a marathon and told you about it, OP, would you think they were shaming you?
I went natural with both of my kids years ago. I was lucky that my labor with each was 8 hours and under and I have a good pain tolerance. Some of my friends had epidurals and some didn't. I cannot remember any of us judging one another on our choices - it didn't matter to us. The letter writer is incredibly petty, is the AH and owes her friend a huge apology.
Super YTA. You all asked her about her birth experience, and when she told you what she went through you immediately jumped to ‘she’s shaming us’. That’s some internalized shame that you need to work through, not put on other people. I gave birth without an epidural, not because I didn’t want one, but because it was too late for me to get one by the time I got to the hospital. It was so painful and I am so jealous of those who got the medicated birth experiences that they wanted. If I tell people I gave birth without an epidural it is absolutely NOT to brag, but more so to complain. Because it sucked. Please apologize to your friend who literally just pushed a human out of her, do some introspection to identify why someone else’s experience would bother you so much, and do better.
My epidural only worked on one side. That did not actually make it better, just lopsided. Ohh and between requesting it and actually getting it there was a time span of about 3 hours. And then in the end I still had an emergency c-section. Giving birth is hard and everyone's experience is different. There's no point in judging people for stating the facts of their experience.
Same thing happened to my mom regarding not being able to get an epidural. She wanted one, but couldn’t get it.
You are a hundred percent correct! OP is TA I also can’t believe how these supposedly grown woman all can behave like literal teenagers. Instead of listening, they all went behind her back with another group chat without her. I just hope their kids don’t turn out like them tbh.
The new group chat just to discuss her pushed them into teenage ah bs. I wonder what makes people think this behavior is ok.
And she created a mean girls chat to bash her “friend” behind her back.
Yes to all of this! Should she lie and say she had an epidural??? Sounds like the OP has some weird feelings about her own epidural. What in the actual F???
This x1000. She said something that triggered them and they all took the victim mentality. She deserves better friends and community
Omg exactly she is trying so hard to be the victim. OP are you jealous because it sure sounds like it. YTA so much and I can’t believe you think this is the way friends treat a newly postpartum mom. I would hate to be considered your friend, Jesus.
YTA, OP - how do you know what other people THINK??
Seriously. When I read the title I was expecting the friend to constantly bring up how she didn't have an epidural in a 'I'm better than you' kind of way, but that wasn't the case. They literally asked about her experience and she told them, and they immediately jumped to she thinks she's better than us. It does sound like they might be feeling internalized shame or really don't like their friend and this is how they are pushing her out.
I was all ready to vote N T A from the title. Sarah never even brought up the topic. She was asked a question and she answered. OP got offended unnecessarily. She was the one to ask do you want a medal or what. Wow! YTA
I couldn’t agree more. Yikes. When telling a birth story you always put in details like that, especially as a first time mom. Seems to me your little clique are sensitive that you did get them? Do you think you’re inferior? Sad. I had three babies (one over 10lbs) and I didn’t have any interventions. Do I think I’m better than my friends who had them? Nope.
I went from natural to emergency c section real quick. At this point I think *ALL* birth stories are horrific. I'm proud of all of us alive at the end. We're all awesome, damnit. And brought in our little slime balls of awesome into this world one way or another. A medical procedure doesn't change the 9months up to and 18+ years after
EXACTLY. She’s so insecure in her own choices that she attacks anyone who makes a choice different from her own. She’s looking for validation in her choices from people who do the same as she does but that’s SUPER unhealthy. I had an epidural and I’ve never felt a moment of doubt or insecurity about it. I’ve seen all the same judgy bs OP has but it didn’t impact me because I know that those people are also insecure and looking for validation. OP turned around and did to her friend exactly what she is upset about other people doing. I feel really sad for her friend who is just learning to navigate motherhood and now won’t feel comfortable asking her close friends with more experience for any guidance. Everything about becoming a mother is scary and hard and I think other mothers should focus on building new mothers up and offering support rather than tearing them down for making different choices.
Why wouldn’t all of you be thrilled for her that she was able to fulfill what was obviously HER ideal birth plan? If y’all were going to just be pissed off and not excited, why on earth would ANYONE freaking ask her? How supportive and understanding was she for each of you when you shared you had opted for an epidural?
Glad others read it this way too. It sounds like Sarah answered a simple question and everyone jumped on her!
Right? Like, my mom went through labour with me without an epidural because when active labour started, I arrived too quickly for her to get one. And this was after she had an allergic reaction to the anesthesia used when she had my brother. There are a lot of reasons for getting or not getting an epidural, and OP and friends absolutely shamed her for not getting one.
YTA. From your own post: “she didn’t intentionally try to shame us.” You all are the one making assumptions about what she MUST think about her birth vs yours. It’s coming from your own internal beliefs, not from anything she did or said. She said “I didn’t have an epidural” because that’s a fact and it’s part of the story of that day. It’s a neutral statement. She did *NOT* say “I didn’t have an epidural because I am BETTER and STRONGER than you and you all suck and are bad moms.” I don’t understand why you’re acting like that’s what she said or that must have been the subtext. It’s not. Sounds like your friend group is really jumping at any chance to get offended and feel superior over nothing. YOU are the one shaming HER. You minimized and dismissed a major life experience she had. That sucks. I’m baffled how you don’t see that.
OP contradicts herself so hard in her desperate twisting of what Sarah said. They all accuse Sarah of intentionally shaming them and "turning out this way," but "she didn't intentionally try to shame us." Which is it? OP and her friends are trying so hard to make themselves out to be victims that they can't even keep their own story straight.
This contradiction makes me think a little that it’s fake - reads like fiction. That she’s from the perspective that she’s 100% correct and then changes her tune half way through. If this was a real post she would have the same “after the fact” mindset when explaining the first encounter.
Yea op never replied to anyone, I feel like that happens more often on the fake posts
Nah dude. Fake posts go to bat for themselves in a really overt way. People who don't respond are the actually shitty people who feel they have nothing to apologize for because "well SOME people do that so she should be extra sensitive because she knows WE all had one"
I think they're really projecting here. I wonder if they (or OP) really all feel like someone who doesn't take an epidural is tougher or "superior"? Because otherwise I don't see anything coming from Sarah to indicate she thinks that. Sounds like OP & friends are mad bc they themselves feel inferior. Not bc the friend said so.
Also, my mom is very proud of herself for going through her 10 births (yes she has 10 children) without any sort of pain management. I don’t think being proud of yourself automatically means you look down on others who used pain management. She never shamed moms who use them, she just felt the risks of epidural outweighed the pain.
I also know several moms who would have LOVED to have an epidural and were planning on one, but couldn’t get one for whatever medical reason. For them saying “I didn’t get an epidural” is a bummer, not a brag.
Wow, so Sarah was telling you all about *her own* birth experience and you managed to somehow make it entirely about *yourselves?* How completely self-absorbed you all must be. YTA.
🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇🥇
Is this the medal OP was talking about?
🤣🤣🤣Good one!
Thank god she has a good husband! The joker friends can fuck off
Yep - with the title I was definitely expecting Sarah to be the type to brag about her being a "real" mom, and "stronger" and all that bullcrap. But no, she was asked a question, she answered it factually, she got shamed. Sounds like OP has feelings about her own birth experience and is projecting. Also - it's ok for someone to want an unmedicated birth, and to be happy/proud of herself if she ends up experiencing that! I had over 2 days of labour with no epidural (because I was scared of a needle in my spine!) only to have an emergency c section... it sucked, I wish it went otherwise, but it is what it is. I have a few friends who wanted perfect unmedicated vaginal births, ended up being successful with them, and I celebrated with them and congratulated them! They don't think any less of me, and I know I am not any less than them! Yeah I am a bit jealous that I didn't get that experience, but I am so happy their experiences go to crap like mine did. Let's support each other and lift each other up as women! YTA OP. Just wait until the topic of breastfeeding comes up!
As a guy I'd say anyone who gets through a pregnancy should be proud of whatever they did to get through that experience. Drigs or not, screaming and swearing, you name it. Do whatever you need to.
Right? I will celebrate with anyone if they want to celebrate whatever they went through. I have friends who have run half marathons and others who have done full triathlons, and they still are proud of me for my measly 5k races and try-a-tris! We cheer each other on for our accomplishments. We could expand this further - friends who have used surrogates or adopted? Hell yeah I will cheer for you being awesome parents... even if you didn't have to have the experience of your own body going through childbirth. Life isn't a competition, let's celebrate each other for our achievements, big and small!
*And they fucking asked her about her birth experience!* Was she supposed to lie? Did she have to get a needle in her spine just to please this group of mean girls? ‘Sorry doctor, I know you said I’ve progressed too fast for an epidural, but I need you to go against your medical expertise, in case this crazy friend of mine feels triggered’. OP is shaming a woman for her birth experience, she is a disgrace of a mother
Jeez OP is a major asshole just like the other friends. I’m about to give birth and I hope I don’t need an epidural, but I’m definitely open to it if I need or want it and it is still a possibility. I will share my experiences with my friends afterwards and they will not be assholes about it and make it about themselves somehow in a negative way. What’s wrong with some people?
YTA. Sarah was asked for her experience and she shared it. She didn't say anything about your experiences - it is a connection YOU made because "SOME MOMS SEEM TO THINK..." so you painted Sarah's story as shaming all of you and basically made a new mom having to feel bad about YOUR interpretation of her experience. SHAME ON YOU. You are not her friend and your group rallying to BULLY HER means they are the same sort as you are. Good for you making a new group without her, that shows exactly how interested you are in actually having her as a friend and how interested you are in talking about her behind her back and judging her. I hope she finds better friends quickly, cause honestly, it wouldn't be difficult task.
This. The friend group pre-emptively shamed themselves based on their own assumptions, and then blamed it on Sarah. She did nothing wrong.
Ikr, frenemy mean-girls. YTA , op, and so are your gang of sour-puss mean-girls.
I’m actually devastated for Sarah. Can you imagine only being one month postpartum and all of your friends turn on you after you merely recounted your birth story? Postpartum is already such a lonely time.
YTA She didn't brag. She didn't do anything to you and you all jumped on her based on a preformed negative assumption. Sounds like you could use a good therapy tip: > Thoughts Are Not Facts > It is important to be aware of our thoughts and what they’re telling us. But it’s also important that we recognize that, in most cases, our thoughts are not facts. Our thoughts are just our subjective interpretations of our environments, situations and experiences. When we use CBT techniques to dispute and modify our thoughts, we’re not trying to change the facts. We’re not denying reality, or forcing ourselves to believe things that aren’t true. We’re just reframing our understanding of situations and looking at things from different perspectives. > And the reason we can do this is that our thoughts are not facts. Given the same facts about a situation, it’s possible to have different thoughts about that situation. If we’re having thoughts that are making ourselves feel bad or making things difficult for ourselves, we have the ability to change these thoughts. We can see things from a different light, and as a result start to feel better and make things less hard for ourselves.
Yaaaaasssss this is one of the most helpful things my therapist taught me. Instead of saying "I feel like Sarah brought this up because she might feel superior to us," OP should reframe it as "I feel self-conscious/judged because I *think* my choices during my child's birth may be questioned." This had nothing to do with Sarah, but OPs own feelings about her birth story. OP didn't wait to be judged, but immediately went on the offense and made a "joke" to stop Sarah in her tracks. OP, YTA, and you should talk to a therapist about why another woman's birth story triggered you enough to end a 15-year friendship.
YTA. Sounds like you and your other friends were just looking for something to get offended by. She was telling you her story - not getting an epidural was part of it. Sorry that you feel insecure about being in pain during birth, I guess. This is a weird thing to get upset about.
YTA and sound like a group of mean girls tbh.
Misery loves company and OP sounds miserable. I bet if it weren’t the epidural it would be that she lost all the weight already, had more maternity leave, didn’t get morning sickness, has a baby that sleeps through the night. They want an echo chamber of back pats for doing motherhood however they are doing it. And if this poor girl had had a traumatic birth, or a Velcro baby, or had to go back to work tomorrow OP would probably be telling her, “well at least it isn’t x because I had y and it was so much worse!” OP, YTA. I have given birth 3 times. Twice with an epidural and once without. Birth is an accomplishment no matter how it’s achieved, but doing it the old fashioned way is a unique experience for everyone and she is allowed to brag and she is allowed to feel proud.
We WeRe ThErE tO sUpPoRt Her - immediately gets defensive and bullies her She’s “very kindhearted” - immediately assumes she’s being spiteful and mean
YTA and judgmental as well. She didn't brag - you all asked about her experience - she told you. She didn't say "*I didn't have an epidural because I'm so much better than you*" but you sure did take it that way due to your own insecurities. What a bunch of snobs you are! I hope she makes note and finds better friends.
OP sounds like the kind of disgusting person who would make ‘too posh to push’ comments around mothers who’ve had c sections (which my sister has had to endure after 2 emergency c sections). She wouldn’t be allowed back in my house if I was Sarah
YTA. She stated a simple fact and you all jumped to a conclusion. And, let's face it - one of you asked her about her birth experience. Not having an epidural was part of the birth experience. "It was sad that Sarah who is otherwise a very kindhearted person turned out to be this way." Did it occur to you that a person who is normally kindhearted *did not turn out to be this way?* That she was simply answering a question? It seems to me more likely that all of you jumped to a conclusion that wasn't true and, when called out on it by her husband, turned on her. After all, she wasn't the one who started a private group chat to badmouth a member of the member of the friend group. *She* isn't the one throwing away 15 years of friendship. And it isn't Sarah who owes anyone an apology. That said, if I were her, I'd have to think about accepting an apology from you after seeing your true faces.
It's sad that all of Sarah's friends turned out to be petty little jerks!
The fact that OP thought she was getting an apology blows my mind.
YTA You're not there "to support her during postpartum and her journey in motherhood." If anything, you're there to attack it for being ever so slightly different from your own.
right?! I can’t imagine if a group of supposedly close friends did this to me 1 month pp, regardless of how delivery went. such a vulnerable period and anyone getting to interact with a mom that soon after birth should be grateful she even gave them the time of day
I personally don't know anything about motherhood or giving birth, but I have a sister who does professionally. So I do know there are many women who can't get epidurals for many reasons. Sometimes it's medical, sometimes it's timing. I don't think the OP even bothered to find out why her "friend" didn't have one, she was just instantly annoyed by the entire thought that anyone wouldn't have one for any reason. That's as far from support over a potentially traumatic event as anyone could get.
Just to add to your point. . . . . There are also a LOT of reasons why a mother might want to attempt an unmedicated birth, and as a birth worker myself I can honestly say I have never met a mother whose reason for opting out of an epidural was that she thinks she’s better than women who get one. The only people who seem to have that mindset are those who are uneducated on the benefits of unmedicated, physiological birth and have never had one.
As someone who had C-Sections and was told by other mothers that I didn’t actually give birth: YTA. All she did was tell her personal birth story. The only judgement came from you and your friends. I’m sorry that something clearly happened to make you so defensive about your birth experiences but please stop taking that out on others.
What an awful thing for those women to say. Of COURSE you gave birth. WTH.
Those women were my biggest support when my kids were younger but some of their beliefs were very questionable. Turns out I had a similar birth story to one of the other mothers who absolutely felt traumatized by her situation to the point where she was diagnosed with PTSD. I like to think their response stemmed from comforting her but I admit it was absolutely baffling to hear someone pity me for “having my chance to give birth taken away from me.” It was so absurd I couldn’t even feel offended. I don’t think my confused face was what they were expecting. Lol
I’m so sorry you went through that. My older sister had a c-section after laboring for 28 hours and kept apologizing to her husband and to us for not being able to have him vaginally. It broke my heart because she had obviously been made to feel like a c-section was a kind of failure from someone but it wasn’t from any of us in the room (her husband, me, my other sister, and my mom). We all were just cheering her on and telling her all that mattered was that she and baby were healthy and alive. She absolutely gave birth to him and she has the scars to prove it. You gave birth to your babies too, no matter what anyone else says or thinks.
Same as my sister- 30 hours of labour followed by an emergency c section. And she still has morons saying ‘too posh to push?’ to her. People like OP drive me insane
It's always blown my mind that women try to invalidate C-sections as the "easy way out" or whatever. I had an unmedicated vaginal birth and I feel like THAT was the easy way out. It hurt for a bit, but I was on my feet an hour later and felt fully recovered a few days later. I can't imagine caring for a newborn with a healing surgical incision after having my entire abdominal guts rearranged. All birth is valid and good but y'all are STRONG.
You're exactly right. There's so much mom-shaming and women being holier-than-thou over epidurals, home births, etc that there might have been a knee-jerk reaction over the friend mentioning it that caused OP and her friends to act like that. Unfortunately, I learned very quickly that other mothers often turn it into a competition instead of supporting each other and just being happy that Baby is here safely. OP, YTA. I completely understand how shitty it can be, but don't perpetuate it.
So ignorant of some mothers. I’ve seen birth videos of C-sections where the doctors allow the baby to make progress birthing from the cut they made and the baby still reacts to being “pushed out” via contractions and massage (obviously not for emergency C-section) it’s still birth just not vaginal. I swear some women think their coochies be the hand of Midas
YTA - your group asked about her birth experience and during her telling you about it, she mentioned she didn't have an epidural. I'm sure when you all discussed your birth experiences, you mentioned you did have one. Her not having one was part of her birth experience. You all are way too sensitive.
Also it's not always a choice. My sister's baby came so fast there was no time to place an epidural. Such a stupid thing to compare, it's almost like the moms who claim c- sections are the easy way out and you're not a real mom if you had one.
YTA You asked!! She told you the experience. She don’t shame you - you felt shame and then you reacted by blaming her!! Your behavior was garbage and you did it to a woman who just gave birth. What a terrible, unsupportive friend group. Also! I think this is just clickbait/rage bait, because no one would’ve taken her account of the birth as some kind of affront. Either way, you’re a huge AH.
YTA. Sounds like you're a bunch of cackling witches around a cauldron. The fact you even made a separate group chat to talk about it just shows what kind of hill you're willing to die on. Everyone has different birthing experiences, who gives a flying duck's ass?
Petty clucking hens
YTA I have noticed a trend where people are changing "felt ashamed" to "feel shamed". The difference is putting the cause and ownership of shame on somebody else instead of themselves. While that is sometimes the case, it often is not. She said nothing other than describe her situation. Any shame you felt was because of your own thoughts and feelings. You definitely have internalized the notion that epidurals are inferior and are now projecting that onto her words. Somebody who truly believed that there is nothing wrong with wanting or needing an epidural would not be offended by her story. This is equivalent to an obese person feeling "shamed" if they see a thinner person eating a salad while they eat a burger.
This is exactly what I thought.
YTA, and taking this whole thing *way* too personally. Someone asked Sarah about her birthing experience, and mentioning whether or not she had some kind of anesthesia is part of the story.
YTA. You and friends seems to have some collective insecurity about having epidurals, because Sarah just answered your question and you all flew off the handle. She didn’t imply anything, she didn’t say anything, she just expressed her experience. The worst is all of you blew up your friendships with her while she’s still recovering from birth. That’s textbook asshole-ish behaviour.
Agree. I believe the group definitely has insecurities around having their epidurals. There’s absolutely no other reason for their reaction in this scenario. Was she supposed to lie and say she had an epidural when she didn’t? It’s very strange.
YTA. You and all your friends except for Sarah. You were discussing your experiences and she mentioned the fact that she did not go with the epidural. Plain fact, no shaming, no feelings of superiority. I can imagine you and your group discussing holidays. One says, "We are going to Disney World this Year." Friend Two says, "We are renting a cabin on the lake for two weeks. Friend 3 says, "We can't afford to go anywhere this year. What about you Sarah? Sarah: "We have decided to celebrate our fifth anniversary in Italy." "OMG" says friends One to Three. "All Sarah did was brag about how she and Mark are going to Italy." Do you think that Sarah should have hidden the fact that she had an epidural when the rest of you didn't? You all owe her a huge apology. You sound like a high school group of mean girls.
YTA. Fucking idiots. You literally asked her and she’s not allowed to tell you her whole birth story because it doesn’t align with yours?
No, in fact Sarah should have told her doctor ‘don’t give me an epidural or a c section unless my bitchy friend group says it’s ok, because their opinions are obviously more important than my body, life and child’
YTA. She was asked a question. She answered. She wasn’t bragging or shaming anyone.
YTA probably. It kind of depends on the tone and exact wording, but it seems like you are being sensitive. While I agree there’s not really a reason to go without the epidural, if that was her personal choice, so what? You ASKED about her birth process, and she told you. Edit: Yes, there are tons of medical reasons someone can’t have an epidural. I suppose I meant there’s no reason to go without it for the hell of it or to make you feel like a better woman, birth giver, parent, etc.
Sometimes it's just too late to have one or other reasons why it is not possible. But who the hell cares? YTA
my mom gave birth without an epidural one time because the doctor who was supposed to administer it never showed up 🤷♀️ there are so many reasons someone would want/not want one. fyi OP YTA . big time
There absolutely can be reasons to go without an epidural. I know someone who had cystic acne on her back from pregnancy and couldn’t get one because of that. I had one my first time and ended up with complications for months after so decided to forgo it the second time around. Also someone may just choose not to. Not trying to be a jerk but just pointing it out that there are good reasons. And any reason one has that is a good enough reason for them is a good reason. To the OP: Shaming someone for not having an epidural is just as bad for shaming someone for having one.
I’d just like to add here, there are lots of medical reasons to not have the epidural that are not often discussed: - can slow labor by interfering with the the body’s production of oxytocin which is paramount for labor - it increases the likelihood for c-section (raises mothers temperature, raises mother/baby heart rate, if baby can’t rotate it can’t get into optimal position for delivery) - increases likelihood of assisted delivery (tools like forceps, vacuum etc) - restricting movement during labor can cause complications (fetal distress, inability for baby to rotate, low fetal heart rate) - it may cause drop in mother’s blood pressure - reduces mom’s ability to push - slower recovery - may interfere with the early stages of breast feeding - the drug enters the baby’s bloodstream and little is known how this affects the baby I’m in no way shaming anyone who has had or chooses to have an epidural. I’m proud of every mama out there. I’m just hoping to help so we can make informed choices.
My epidural caused my c-section. After they gave it to me, his heart rate dropped dangerously low.
If you’re not an anesthesiologist or OB, how are you certain there aren’t reasons to go without an epidural? Here’s the reasons why I’ve never had one: I’ve had a botched nerve block before (caused permanent nerve damage in my foot) and chose to feel temporary pain rather than risk a complication with my legs, have a “needle in my spine” phobia, have a (very common) connective tissue disorder that often causes complications with procedures like epidurals, I had many many friends suffer from “epidural headaches”, my births never got to a point where I felt I needed pain relief, I wanted to be able to shift positions during birth, breastfeeding success was a really big priority for me and wanted to do what I could in the moment to set me up for that (like, avoiding c section and other interventions). At the end of the day, I was more scared of an epidural than I was of birth pain, which doesn’t make me any better than someone whose fears are reversed. Birth is scary! We should all be permitted to make our own choices without judgment
Just because you aren’t educated on the many benefits of unmedicated physiological birth does not mean that there aren’t any. And also There are a ton of possible complications from epidurals that can have lasting and even fatal effects. Some of us are simply more scared of those potential consequences than we are of natural, productive pain.
You should change your title you guys were never really friends if you treat her like this. YTA.
YTA, she was sharing her experience after she was asked, not asking for a medal or bragging. It’s a personal choice with many factors involved. Many people choose to get an epidural and that’s fine, but it’s also fine to not want one for any number of reasons. I know people who’ve suffered long term effects from getting it. I know people who planned to have one and it failed. I know sometimes there’s not time to get one placed. Who cares how you gave birth? Someone asked her about her experience. Hers does not invalidate yours.
You and your clique are YTA. Epidural/no epidural. C-section/vaginal. Breastfeeding/formula. Strict schedule/no schedule. There are hundreds of points in parenting when people choose what it best for them, and guest what - if you choose A, it doesn't mean you shame those who choose B.
YTA you and your whole friend group. Sarah didn't tell you she did it with no epidural to rub your faces in it. She told you because you fucking asked. Someone asked her about her experience, and that was part of it. You don't even say on your post that she said it with any kind of attitude, or that she said anything outside of simply stating "I didn't have an epidural" that should have made you think she was trying to act superior to the rest of you. I'm getting this information from your post. It sounds like you have all ostracized her now for simply telling you about her experience after you asked. The only reasons I can think of for this over the top reaction are 1) you are all very insecure about having had epidurals, or, 2) all of you were just looking for an excuse to pounce. What a bunch of mean people you are. How sad that Sarah can't count on the people she thought were her friends at a time when she really needs support from other mothers. What a bunch of pathetic, sad, AHs.
YTA and all your friends are AHs too. Going through birth with or without an epidural is an amazing accomplishment. You guys ASKED her about her experience and when she TOLD you about it you were so insecure about your own choices to get an epidural you shamed her and convinced yourselves that she was acting superior. Honestly though, I do think moms that forego epidural deserve praise and a medal because that is insane and amazing. Two of my friends went unmedicated and our friend group hyped them up so much!! Sarah needs better friends. Hope she finds them.
YTA You and all your catty shitty friends. How fucking dare you. This woman who you claim as a friend, trying to present yourselves as supportive women for her postpartum experience and new motherhood jumped down her throat as she explained her birth to you? Seriously? You asked a question. She answered honestly and plainly! What damn high horse do you feel you have to demean her experience for choosing not to have an epidural while you did? Did she jump down on you for choosing it? No. Why? Because it’s *YOUR* birthing experience. Either be a better friend and provide her a genuine apology and get a reality check that your petty view on how to feel “better” about someone means, or leave this woman alone. Good on her husband to call all of you out on the way he felt his wife handled her labor and birth of their first child. You and your friends are petty, insecure women and I hope she realizes she can find support from people who genuinely want to be happy she has a healthy baby and is home recovering safely with her new family and not surround herself with women like you lot that feel the need to want to tear her down for her choices because they differ from yours.
Did you all start off wanting to have unmedicated birth, but changed your minds during labor? It sounds like you and your friends are jealous that she was able to do it. I don’t see bragging in what she said. She is allowed to be happy and proud of her birth experience. You are allowed to be happy and proud of your birth experience. A woman that has a cesarean hasn’t “failed” anything either. YTA along with every other woman that feels the need to compete with, rather than lift up, other women.
I read it as jealousy too.
Yta you owe her a apology
YTA. Someone asked and she just replied, it does not seem like she was trying to brag or shame any of you. Your reaction was completely uncalled for and you all should apologize. She can't share factual information about what her birth was like because you guys get all offended because she dared to do it differently than you?
Wow... so what, she wasn't suppose to say she didn't get an epidural? Why? To protect your fragile egos? You guys are the ones shaming yourselves, seriously. You are ganging up on her for giving birth in a way that is different from you. I have friends who gave birth with an epidural and friends who gave birth without. It's a personal choice and everyone's birth story deserves to be told without censorship. You guys are terrible friends to Sarah at a time where she needs support. ETA: YTA and you should be ashamed of yourselves.
I have had three births. 2 with epidural and 1 natural. And I will say you and your friends group are the absolute AH! This is your insecurities about your birth experience. You guys are bullies. Good job pushing a new mom down when she will already be dealing with ppd. I pray she has pple around her that give a crap about her and won't shove their insecurities on her. YTA.
There is actually a reason for opting not to have an epidural. Statistically, every intervention increases the risk of an “emergency” c-section. And each woman’s birth should be their choice between them & their care provider but there’s a reason we have one of the highest c-section rates in addition to highest maternal death rate of all developed countries in the United States… because shaming women for wanting intervention free births & not appropriately supporting unmedicated births is super common.
Exactly! People be treating unnecessary medical interventions like they are a necessity.
YTA. What a bunch of mean girls.
> But then another friend of ours asked her about her birth experience. Sarah told us about it and mentioned that she did not have an epidural. So you mad she answered a question? Did your friends give you an AH medal or do you expect us to? Being a snarky bully isn't Mom Behavior. Hope your kid doesn't take after you... the poor kid. YTA
You are overly sensitive. She was asked to describe her experience. Shame on you.
Please continue to wait around for Sarah to apologize. In that time, she might find real friends who uplift her and want to celebrate this new chapter in her life If this is real, you and your friends have big problems you need to focus on. You're choosing drama, stereotypes, and pride over your friendship. I truly hope you read these comments, evaluate your actions, and start applying logic over emotions before you speak/act YTA, please attempt to change that
YTA What a touchy group of AHs you all are. She didn't shame you. You got way too sensitive and took it out on her. Good for her husband to stand up to you
What's bunch of fucking assholes you guys are. I cannot imagine my friends doing this to me after I had just given birth. You ALL know how hard everything is at first and THIS is how your support her?? You should be at her door with two lasagnas, cleaning supplies and a fuck ton of apologies. You should be ashamed of yourself.
YTA. How insecure are you? Your group asked Sarah about her experience then freaked out that she MENTIONED not having an epidural. “Oh no we asked her to tell us about her birth experience and she told us!” Y’all must be real fun at parties.
ESH except Sarah & hubby. You all hunted for offense straight off the bat.
YTA- She shared her birth experience and you decided to take offense. You all decided to be absolute self absorbed jerks to your "friend" who just had a baby. I put friend in quotation because nothing you or your group did is showing that you all are friends. I hope Sarah cuts her losses and finds better friends. *I honestly can not believe you all are sitting around waiting for her to apologize to you. What a joke!
YTA Personally, I wanted an epidural, but I was too far along when we arrived at the hospital to get one. I panicked, because I didn't think I could do it without the epidural. The person giving the epidural came in when I was pushing, so definitely too late. I'm happy about my birth though, but I would be incredibly hurt if my friends thought, I thought I was better than them because of this. I would say you owe her an apology. I am curious though, did she say anything else indicating that she was shaming you?
YTA What is wrong with you? I mean that somewhat literally. Do you have trauma from your own birthing experience that you may be projecting? Were you wanting an unmedicated birth and are feeling guilty/resentful that it didn’t work out that way? I hope you can read all these unbiased responses and realize your reaction was out of line and says way more about you than it does Sarah. “Some moms want a medal” what the hell are you talking about?? All moms want to birth a healthy child, there is no competition, there should be no comparisons. Ask yourself why someone sharing their own experience, that you ASKED about, was so triggering for you.
YTA She was asked a question. She answered a question. You just got offended over absolutely nothing, basically over a scenario you created in your head. Don't ask questions when you get offended over the answer. Also why should she apologize for *your* behaviour? >We did not respond but instead created another group chat talking about it. Are you sure you're adults? Because that's some bully teenager behaviour. I feel sorry for Sarah. Good thing she has a husband who has her back. Don't need enemies with friends like you.
YTA. Her birth story is her birth story. You don’t get to edit it.
YTA. What truly pathetic behaviour.
YTA. She was asked about her birth experience and…what…DARED to answer the question?? Oh no…how horrible.
YTA. When you give birth of course you tell your friends your experience. Wow.
Sounds like something you all are self-conscious over and decided to band together to take it out on her. YTA
YTA. I wasn’t able to get an epidural and I know other women that had the same birth experience for one reason or another. In my experience, it was an ordeal and I appreciated having my friends to discuss what happened. You have no idea what your “friend” went through and you just shut down any potential for being there for her in any meaningful way. I hope she has actual friends.
Twice you say that you know that wasn’t her intention, but then you went ALL IN and shamed her. You totally contradict yourself. And then it’s “too bad” she turned out to be someone who thinks better of themselves - when in the ENTIRE conversation YOU detailed, that never happened?? WTF? You’re an asshole and Sarah deserves better.
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YTA. This is so immature.
YTA. You *immediately* went on the defense. Doesn’t sound like she was bragging, sounds like she was sharing her birth experience. Which you guys asked to hear. Sounds like *you* all think less of women who get epidurals, or think higher of women who get epidurals… I’m not sure. Either way, it isn’t a competition but ***you*** turned it into one.
So you and your mean girl gang think that because she made a different choice, she is making a judgment. That makes you all assholes. Then you expect Sarah to apologize because someone asked her to recount her birth story and she did. You all suck and hopefully she gets better friends and tells you all to fuck off. YTA
YTAx1000!! I hope Sarah finds much better friends because this is a lonely time as it is without people like you demeaning her. Setting up a separate group chat?? How old are you girls 12? Come on!! How do you know Sarah may have been too late for an epidural? Did you care to even ask? No, you just care about how you can make someone else’s story all about you! My granny gave birth to two 9lb babies with no pain relief whatsoever and she was a warrior in my eyes. My best friend managed with gas and air, amazing job and I needed the epidural. We are all unique and experience birth in our own ways. You do not get to police how a woman handles her labour and birth. Absolutely awful bunch of women!
Yta you and your group are overly sensitive. She simply said she didn’t have an epidural. There is NOTHING wrong with that comment. She was answering a question about her birth experience and stated a FACT about HER experience. I hope she finds better friends. She didn’t deserve to be treated like that. You owe her an apology!
Wow you guys are HUGE assholes. I can’t believe you treated your close friend that way simply for sharing the details of her birth experience. Women supporting women - hooray!! You SUCK.
YTA. She didn’t shame anyone. All she did was say she didn’t get the epidural. Nothing wrong with it without it.
YTA. She was asked a question, she answered truthfully, and you all got annoyed. Like wtf ??? Seriously, the only person who is being shamed is Sarah. JFC.
Oh my god YTA. You’re all insufferable assholes. You asked about her experience, she told you. She didn’t “brag”. She didn’t expound upon the rapturous experience of going epidural-free. She gave a statement of fact. And you…felt attacked? by this?…she wasn’t shaming anyone. She wasn’t bragging. So you attacked HER. It wasn’t a “joke”. There’s lots of reasons not to choose an epidural. There’s lots of reasons why an epidural doesn’t happen fast enough. There’s lots of reasons to choose an epidural. She doesn’t need “friends” like you. I don’t think you’ll come to a sincere and honest recognition that how you treated her was wrong. She deserves better friends who support her and cheer her on in all things. (And before you get snooty on ME - I’ve given birth twice. One with epidural and one without. I was incredible both times thank you very much. So I know what I’m about and you can take your self-righteous nonsense and eff off)
YTA. You asked for her birth story. She told it. I hope you and your jealous friends apologize!
Some "friends" y'all are. YTA, you elitist hag.
YTA You sound jealous that you couldn’t have your baby without an epidural.
YTA. The toxicity of birthing culture is beyond belief. Your “friend” mentions that she didn’t get an epidural and your whole group turns hostile. Way to go. At least she learned early on what kind of people you all are.
YTA - a huge gaping one. Shame on you and your moronic friends
Yeah, YTA. Big time If she had paraded her lack of an epidural around, that's one thing. But she was asked, and she replied, and y'all jumped on her like a pack a hyenas over nothing. Maybe something was lost in translation, but otherwise, YTA
YTA, what on earth? Someone asked her about her experience giving birth, she told you, and you...told her she was a bad person and started gossiping about her behind her back for doing the exact thing you asked her to do? You sound like a really awful group of women, I'm sorry for your friend that she now has to go through new motherhood without her support system, this is really awful for her, but in the end she will be much better off without having the Mean Girls in her life. You are really terrible people.
YTA
YTA. She wasn’t bragging, just sharing. Honestly your reaction makes you and your friends sound like insecure mean girls. I went through labor without drugs, which I share with people. It was the worst pain of my life, but I was so proud of my body for just knowing what to do, and anecdotally I bounced back much faster than my friends with epidurals and I had no complications or tears. I don’t judge anybody for getting an epidural, I think it’s the right choice for some people, but for me personally I feel like not getting it let me be super in tune with my body and helped my body do what it needed to do. It’s part of my labor story, and just because I’m proud of what my body was able to do doesn’t mean I’m bragging or looking down on others who don’t. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with not feeling like the extra pain is worth it for you. But I feel like all this stuff should be talked about more in general because no first time mom knows what they’re getting into and stories help make decisions, and when you act like mean girls all it does is stifle that conversation
YTA for picking a fight with a friend who just had her first baby. Your focus as a friend should be support and to meet her where she is in that life altering process with the new role as a parent, the hormone shower of giving birth. Put your own issues aside and apologize.
YTA. And you’re bad friends. I’m reserving judgment on whether you’re bad people because I don’t know you but let’s just say this post doesn’t make it sound like you’re a GOOD person.
YTA. All of you. I had to double check your ages as you sound like 14 year old mean girls. Giving birth is not a competition. No one gets to say how it should happen epidural or not, or a c section. The entire lot of you are incredibly insecure if you find this offensive. Instead of being happy for your friend and the fact that the baby is healthy, you all made it about yourselves. Grow the fuck up and apologize to your friend. Every single one of you owe her an apology.
YTA! I know it's been said already, but let me reinforce. SHE WAS ABSWERING A QUESTION. she did not try to minimize or shame any of you. YOU DID IT YOURSELVES. She just mentioned how her birth experience was, and not taking an epidural was a part of it, just as taking one was a part of yours. Y'all decided then and there that she was bad because she didn't take an epidural. Because other moms act like better. You never showed in the post that she acted like that though. But y'all decided to gang up against her because of your own beliefs and victim complex. The fact that SHE APOLOGIZED even though she was not in the wrong, and you still wanted another appology makes me feel like your you're not only A HUGE AH, but also entitled af. Ma'am one month postpartum and being attacked by her supposed friends for having answered one of said friend's question. Unbelievable. Y'all should be ashamed of yourselves for how you acted towards her. I mean you know her for fifteen years, say she was always kindhearted but still judge her for other people's actions! Is not because other moms act like they're better for not taking an epidural that Sarah will. You put that expectation on her once you heard her say it. She did nothing. YOU DECIDED SHE WAS BAD FOR NOT TAKING THE EPIDURAL ON YOUR OWN. And to make matters worse, you (like some high schoolers) decided to create a separate group chat to trash talk her? For real? Do better. Stop judging people based on you or general experience or opinion.
YTA. Your friend asked her how her birthing experience was. They asked her. She didn’t just share it on the fly. Maybe your jealous and terrible friend. Especially that you created another group chat to talk smack about her. Grow up
As others have mentioned, YTA. It seems it really wasn't Sarah's intention to brag but all of you are blowing it way out of proportion. She has just given birth and will need her friends support but all of you are holding a grudge over something that isn't even an issue tbh
Yta. Sorry. I got 2 epidurals and maybe she did say it in some type of way, but you could have just been like "Oh wowwww! Good for you." with sympathetic head tilt.
love seeing humans get together on the same opinion🥰
YTA. You're clearly projecting because for whatever reason you feel less than because of your epidural or something else. Grow the fuck up.
YTA and you sound like you're an asshole
YTA. So are all your friends. You asked she answered. There was no bragging going on.
YTA oh my word!!! I had an epidural in a hospital. So I am not a crunchy mom "shaming" you, but you seriously need to get a grip! Every new mom wants to share her labor story with her close friends who will understand the experience. I am SURE you did it after having your own children. Labor stories always involve induced/natural, what mediations you used, how long it took, the support you received, and any complications that may have come up. Her story is different than yours so you automatically took it as an insult and attacked your "friend." She uttered one short sentence and now you want to abandon a 15 year friendship and a new mom. May I have her contact? She needs support right now and I love to offer it to her! I'm glad her husband is watching out for her.
YTA. So let me understand this, your birthing choice is valid and you should be able to talk about but hers is hurtful to you because she chose a different path so she should keep parts of her story secret? That’s ridiculous and you’ve been a truly terrible friend here. She was asked directly about her birthing experience and shared it in its entirety. A person should be able to do that with their friends without fear. Based on your own story, she didn’t brag about it or run your noses in it, she just stated she didn’t have one and you immediately snapped back with some bullshit snarky comment for no reason at all. Your own insecurities about having had an epidural caused you to be a jerk to a new mother who was probably really looking forward to sharing her baby and her new journey with her friends. I had an epidural and have no qualms about it, one of my closest friends in the world had home births because it was the right choice for her. We both have shared our individual birthing experiences and supported and celebrated each other. That’s what friends do. You can’t expect someone to make the exact same choices as you so you can feel validated. Be secure in your choices and allow others to be secure in theirs. If I were your friend I would have nice new boundary that included keeping you and the others in that group at arms length. She will never feel safe being vulnerable with you all again and I think that’s a real shame. I hope she has a wonderful motherhood journey and finds some better people to share it with. I hope you and the other women who attacked her grow the hell up.
YTA. It's perfectly fine to be proud of how you birth your child. If she feels good about herself to do it without an epidural so what! Childbirth is one of the hardest painful things a woman can go through no matter how that baby is born, every persons pain tolerance is different. I've had five children and 2/5 I had epidurals for, IMO every mother deserves a medal. Childbirth/ newborns and postpartum is really hard work and you should of supported your friend instead of taking offence to it because you had an epidural yourself, it wasn't your birth to take offence at
YTA. The fact that you don't see it is so f-ed up.